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It's been a week and a couple of days since the bilateral mastectomy, and I still feel like ass. I wake up and think I have a slight bit of energy, but then it's gone before I can get dressed. My brain is still anesthesia-fogged, and my appetite not great. But I've been able to enjoy a lot of moments with my kids and husband.
We have all been in our own worlds. We've each had our own hobbies, shows, books, screen time-sucks, and I'd like this fall to be more about togetherness. It is really hard to tell the kids to get off their screens when David and I are constantly on our own devices. Even though most of our screen-time is legitimately for work, the kids can't understand that. Screens are our only connection to other people, also, so when my kiddo can only see his grandparents or friends via Facetime, it's hard to say no to that. I don't say no to that, but to watching Avatar for the 500th time or downloading "just one more new game because the one I downloaded five minutes ago is boring."
Something that has brought our family a LOT of joy in the past couple of weeks is a simple little home project that involved creating a nice outdoor space. Our backyard was a blank canvas, not in the best of ways.
It is The Secret Garden-level overgrown along the fence line, caused by years of my parents trying to keep the fence line in shape, but they had old lady neighbors who didn't have time, money, or care to cut down the honeysuckle. Then my parents became the old couple, then they were the old couple with cancer, and the weeds took over. I've tried to cut them back and clean things up, but now I'm the old lady with cancer and landscaping is pretty much the thing I care least about in this world.
I do, however, enjoy whimsy.
Before surgery, I took a hedge-trimmer to my boxwood with just a mental plan of making some sort of topiary art. I let out a lot of emotion with that power tool.
Before surgery, David and I pitchforked straw-bales ($36!) over a patch of dirt and created a beautiful outdoor space.
After surgery, David set up a fire-pit and an outdoor movie-watching area.
After surgery, some amazing neighbors donated their play-set to us AND delivered and set it up. Now the boys have swings and a secret clubhouse, and the words "Go outside and play," are no longer met with resistance.
After surgery, I'm too tired to be outside and enjoy the perfect autumn days.
But I want to.
I want to sit outside with my little boys. I want outside blankets. I want to paint large pieces of plywood with the circle cut out for your face for silly photo ops. I want energy.
I have oncology and surgical post-op appointments on Tuesday. That should give me some sort of idea as to what the winter will look like. For now I'm just living in uncertainty: not my favorite location, but here we are.
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