Watercolor Iris. From a Let'sMakeArt tutorial.

Surgery is no joke, friends. I was feeling better this morning, and I've stopped taking the pain pills. (The pain is the same with or without them.) Because everyone was driving me crazy, which happens when I don't get a sufficient amount of alone time, I decided to go for a drive and deliver some art I promised to people. I made five art deliveries around the city and took photos of four homes for house-portrait-commissions. I had two more to go, but they were a bit farther afield than my energy could manage. 

Driving around for an hour was depleting, apparently, and I'm now in bed, clutching my mastectomy pillow and with the electric mattress pad cranked on high. Being a sloth comes with guilt: guilt that I'm not playing with my kids, mostly, but also guilt that David is, yet again, doing 100% of the household chores. I've done a good job of collecting dishes by my bed, but I'm not strong enough to carry them downstairs. Last week I dropped a bunch of oats all over the floor. Dishes aren't as easy clean-up.

I forget that surgery, to your body, is basically the equivalent of being attacked by a saber-toothed tiger, biologically-speaking. My cells have no idea that the surgery was planned. They instead are totally stressing out and having to rebuild tissue and also recuperate from the strange medicines. I'm meant to be lying in my cave, having my hunter-gatherer family bring me water and nuts and perhaps some mammoth-flesh if it's a good week. 

Instead I'm sipping decaf Earl Grey and eating Dutch Caramel Apple Pie that a wonderful friend delivered yesterday. It's better than a cave, I think.

My body is exhausted, but my brain is on overload. I have so many projects I want to do. I want to get a real re-start on my memoir (which I'm having to re-write in light of my own cancer diagnosis. It was originally a memoir about being The Sandwich Generation, taking care of two parents with cancer while trying to find fun and joy in the little things. Still working on a tagline, friends, but are you a literary agent? I have one interested, but then again that was a year ago...). I want to finish this instrumental album. I want to finish a music video for "18 Months Later" -- my new single that isn't out yet, but you can hear it here if you are a Patron even at the lowest tier - $10/year! I want to make new paintings. I want to write a romance novel. I want to be the best homeschool mom on the planet. I want to draw with my new markers that you all bought me because you are SIMPLY THE BEST. I want to record new music.

More than anything I want to perform for people. I miss a crowd so much. I miss the back and forth, the heckling, the laughs, the response, just everything. 

Back to art though. I'm running a special for Patrons who are at the $20/month level, where I will draw a house portrait for you to thank you for your support. I do have a listing just up on my website where people are ready to straight-up buy a portrait rather than joining Patreon... but really I'd prefer you join Patreon where my music community is:) On Patreon you can also just pay for a year at one time with a discount of 15% and that turns out is $204/annually, which is the cost of a home portrait anyway, so support an artist and get a cool perk!

Okay, enough about Patreon. I've gotta shut up about that already. Anyone reading this is likely already a member there, and I love you eternally. 

Thank you all for the love, for the art supplies, for the books for my boys, and for the pies. My family is so very grateful.

Ways to Support:

Shop my Amazon Storefront.
Join Patreon.
Subscribe to my YouTube. It's free.

I have been at a loss as what to write for ages now. It's not writers' block; I've been able to make some progress on my books and songs. I just feel like my blog is boring, that no one cares how I'm doing, or that even if they do care, I've got nothing new to report. 

That's probably the biggest issue here: I'm in limbo. I've nothing new to report. I know you care. You wouldn't be reading if you didn't. But I'm still half-healed, with three more surgeries before I'm whole again.

I've decided to go ahead with breast reconstruction, a deeply personal decision that I still wrestle with. I feel like I should be brave enough to "Go Flat!" It's a movement heard around the world, and it's one that I support.

Today's Guest Blog (Part 1 of 2) is by actor-writer-reader-musician-cinephile Gregory Maupin. If you have ever seen Kentucky's Shakespeare in the Park, then you have seen Greg and his equally talented partner, Abigail Bailey Maupin, perform. As a duo, they are known as RANNYGAZOO and are just an astounding package of wit and wonder. I love to see what they are into and upto. (I am also a supporter of their Patreon page: you could be too! Click here to see what magic they've offered.)

Quick cancer update: I’m back in bed. They had to completely take out my right tissue expander, cut off infected skin and sew me up flat. Three days ago I felt fine and was only 3 weeks out from getting my implants and being completely finished with treatment (other than many years on tamoxifen). Now I have to:

1) heal from this surgery for 12 weeks  

2) have another surgery to put in tissue expander in (so maybe February?)

3) wait another 8-10 weeks 

4) swap out the tissue expanders for implants

YES. I know it could be worse. I do. But allow me my feelings for now, okay? It sucks. I want my mom. I want my dad. I’m so tired of being in bed and not being able to go on leaf collection walks with my kids.

Instead: let’s talk Christmas movies.

I call them all “Hallmark movies,” but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a Hallmark one. Don’t those always revolve around angels and churchy things? I don’t know how one sees a Hallmark movie without the Hallmark channel, which we don’t have. BUT I do have Netflix, and there are plenty of movies whose thumbnails are women in red dresses hugging a man in a green sweater. That’s the same genre, right?

I’ll be watching many of these films while on bed rest, since I’m not able to focus enough to read or write. Join me in my Terrible Christmas Movie Club?

Last night’s fine, fine film:

A Christmas Prince. Or is it THE Christmas Prince? Hard to say. Not important. What IS important is that this film is set both in New York City during snowfall and also in a made-up-Kingdom ending in the suffix “via.” This is fairly common in genres I like. Aldovia, Genovia, Belgravia, etc. If you’re working on your screenplay, consider Brigidovia. Or Kaelinovia. No, nevermind, those are terrible. Instead consider taking a disease, chopping off the last half and swapping it for ‘-ovia’ or ‘-avia.’ As in Bubovia, Scurvia, Consumptovia, Syphilavia, you’re welcome for the setting of your next unexpected princess tale.

I watched A Christmas Prince in 2017 (and the sequels ...), but started fresh last night to watch terrible movies with my husband. David is new to this genre. He is shockingly good at anticipating the plot lines, but that’s probably because he’s a legit genius, according to his GMAT scores. I mean who saw that adoption plot line coming?? Not only David, but also he knew the acorn was the secret to the throne.  

This movie is perfect for not thinking or caring about anything at all and instead getting swept away into a dumb world of snow and blogging. Warning: you MUST suspend your disbelief. It’s like taking a ghost tour of an ancient city; it’s only fun if you actively decide to believe in ghosts. Shut out your hating, click on the electric fireplace, and settle in with a weighted blanket. Winter is coming.

Checklist of imagery that makes this movie solid:

- mighty horses trotting through snowy Romanian mountains

- a saucy child character

- a woman with a decidedly low-paying job whose company decides to fly her to Europe

- a makeover

- a dead mom

- a dead dad

- lies that threaten to ruin the main romantic plot

- a proposal that comes way before it should

(I need to make bingo cards, don’t I!?)

What should I watch next?

*****************************

All kinds of links, from cancer updates to tip jars, are here. Support artists if you can.

Selfie from when I was trying to sit with the present and be mindful.

I had written a whole update for you with good news, but after a doctor appointment this morning, it turns out I have good news *and* bad news. The good news outweighs the bad news, but it’s still bumming me out. I was trying so hard to celebrate my “win” yesterday when doctors told me the GOOD news: I don’t need chemo!

I saw an APRN in oncology yesterday (my oncologist was overbooked), who told me that the Oncotype Dx score was 0. Zero. 

A score under 15 typically means that the chemo risks outweigh the benefits. It’s a combination of my age (42) and my tumor size and its genetic makeup. But all that is important here is that, because I had the mastectomy, I don’t need radiation. And because they got clear margins during surgery and the oncotype score was low, chemo would not be beneficial. I’m trying to celebrate that win, but I’m frustrated because: I found out an hour ago that I have to have emergency surgery this afternoon.

I’ve had a hardened outlook, where my instincts see, “Okay, this is good, but what else is going on?” Friends have advised me to celebrate the wins and not think about the future. So I tried to do that, even though I had a nagging feeling. Grrrr. 

I went to the reconstruction surgeon this morning, who has now put me on the schedule for the OR for TODAY to try to clean up an infection. Yes, yes, I know, I know, those of you who told me not to get reconstruction: I see you shaking your heads now and mumbling, “I told you so.” But the past is past, and I’m doing what I can to survive and feel good about myself.

I’m so grateful for you all. Your donations and kind words have kept me going. They have also given me the peace of mind that I’m able to feed my family, or order a craft kit for the boys so they aren’t just tied to screens on days I’m feeling awful -- and still be able to pay my medical bills. 

I’m angry that I have to go back in the OR again, in just a couple of hours. Anesthesia does not sit well with me. I’m angry that this sets me back at least six weeks in the recovery progress. I don’t want to take pain meds, and I don’t want to be bedridden. I was *just* starting to feel better and our amazing meal train ended. Today was supposed to be my first day meal planning and cooking again. Instead I’m going to the hospital and I just want my mom.

Grrrrr. Here is you getting all my emotion today because I was all set to write purely a happy update! This is my problem with focusing on good news. I know the science, and the philosophy of worry, but it also just makes it all worse when you don’t prepare yourself for bad news. Anyway, it’s not the worst news. I’d rather the reconstruction go wrong than the cancer. Blog: 15 things you need when recovering from a mastectomy

***** Ways to support me and my family:

Venmo: @BrigidKaelin (It feels gauche to post this, but during a pandemic, there aren't many other ways to help. So helping with groceries or takeout or hire a babysitter who hasn't been anywhere is helpful. Thank you times a thousand to all who have helped out so much already!)

Paypal: brigidkaelin at gmail dot com Other links/updates: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin

Social media is a beast on your mental health. No judgment though. I mean, you probably got to this post by being on social media. (If you're one of the ones who subscribes by email: you are brilliant. I need to take that approach to blogs I like instead of reloading social pages hoping for new content.)

I did okay with being offline this week, and I'm happier for it. I deleted everything but Instagram and Pinterest from my phone. I like those sites because I only follow 1) my real-life friends and 2) anyone who posts glorious photos of Scotland. Scrolling there makes me feel good. I'm trying to hang on to that emotion.

Election week. YIKES. I tried to stay away from it, but my 8-year-old is obsessed. It's nerve-wracking, but I don't want to discourage his interest in democracy. 

Do you remember where you were in November/December of 2000, while the country awaited the results of the Al Gore/George W. Bush campaign? I was two places. My mom had a mastectomy on that Election Day. My grandfather died that day. Things seem to come all at once for me, don't they?

My dad and I consoled ourselves in the hospital room by eating slices of American cheese, which we bit into the shapes of the states as they were called for candidates. We bit so many versions of Florida, we got quite good at them. 

I eventually had to fly back to New York, where I was an Associate Producer at CBS News. That fall I'd been working on a History Channel show called 20th Century with Mike Wallace, episode "Sex and Consequences," which documented the 20th century from the invention of birth control to the AIDS epidemic. We interviewed Dr. Anthony Fauci for that episode. Mike Wallace nailed every line without a mistake -- totally brilliant. Here I go namedropping again ... I'll save it for the book..

ANYWAY: while I was producing that episode, I was also working overtime on the 2000 election. Several of us in News Productions, including Mr. Elliot Kirschner (who has an AMAZING book out now co-written with Dan Rather: BUY IT HERE!), were working with the election coverage that now stretched out over a month longer than expected. For some reason we found it important to know all the state's nicknames and in what order they joined the union. We spent our lunch breaks eating NYC pizza and quizzing each other on The Gem State/43rd State. Ever wonder how the on-air talent can say, "Here we are in The Sunshine State..." without hesitation? The answer is: producers, who give them pertinent information before they go live. 

Where were you during that bizarre time of uncertainty in 2000? And what are you doing twenty years later? The same thing? In a different place? 

The glow of a woman who just voted for Hillary Clinton. Remember how that felt?

I'm not in NYC anymore. I'm not in news anymore, but I am still writing. I'm convalescing at home from my own mastectomy. Both my parents are dead. I have two incredible children and a perfect husband. I'm scared of a lot of things, but I have no option but to be brave. My favorite thing about working in television/film was telling stories.

I'm still doing that. I hope the story I get to tell to my grandchildren about the Election of 2020 has a happy ending, all round. That I'm alive to tell my grandchildren, and that it ended with the person who cares about other people winning. It's looking good, but 2016, unfortunately, taught me not to be too optimistic. 

Uncertainty is the enemy of mindfulness. We sit with the present, but the present offers no solutions. We all want to get past this moment. Instead I am trying to embrace the good moments, however tiny they be. I taught my kids how to make coffee this morning, and I sat by the fireplace enjoying every sip. They are giggling. They are arguing. They both have screens. They are fighting plants or zombies or dragons or something -- protecting some imaginary world. I'm cozy in my housecoat, and doing what I love most: writing. 

I am here. Exhaling. Relaxing my shoulders (are you?). 

*****

Brigid Kaelin is a writer, composer, singer, in Kentucky. Here are ways to support her:

Patreon: /BrigidKaelin

PayPal: @BrigidKaelin

Updates on her cancer are here. 

Sometimes I post Amazon links on this blog because I'm part of the Affiliate program, which sends me nickels or sometimes dimes when you buy a product I link to. The 2020 hustle is real!

Had to edit this photo bc someone  flagged it as pornography even though 75% of my post-mastectomy-breasts were covered by at white rectangle. GRRR.

Let me begin with the obvious: you don't need any of this. But just like when you have a baby, you'll find that during mastectomy recovery, while you don't need most of "the stuff," some of that "stuff" actually improves your quality of life.

Jump straight to my Amazon storefront to see these items.

I've compiled a list of things I genuinely enjoyed having during my post-mastectomy weeks (I'm three-weeks out as I'm writing this). There will be a Round Two someday because I was also gifted some pretty amazing things from friends. Check back for the Mastectomy Gift Guide when I have the energy to write again.

I hope this list is helpful. Maybe you click all the links and buy all the stuff. Maybe you just read through and find that having knowledge of what to expect helps you feel a little more in control of your current situation. Most importantly, mastectomies are major surgeries. Allow yourself time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Splurge if you can. Life is short (don't we all know that by now)...

1. Mastectomy Pillow

I wish I'd remembered to bring this to the hospital with me. It would have been nice for the ride home, so my seatbelt wasn't so miserable. This pillow has notches cut out for your arms, which gives support and a great cushion to your chest. You won't be able to hug anyone properly for a while. Having a cushion helps hugs feel better, but also it's nice to just hug the pillow. This particular one has a great pocket in front to hold your phone or a pencil or airpods or whatnot.

$25 on Amazon.

These are Amazon links. I'm part of an affiliate program. Clicking on the links helps me. Thanks!

2. Button-up pajamas.
Buy a few pairs of these, and wear one of them to your surgery, especially if your surgery is outpatient. You will not be able to raise your arms above your head for at least several weeks, so button-up pajamas (and eventually shirts) will be your best friend. Splurge on something soft. You've got cancer (or BRCA+) and it SUCKS and you deserve soft pajamas.
 

     

Nature walks: Pokemon Go & Plant Identifying!

If you'd have asked me ten years ago if I'd be a homeschooling parent, I would have laughed your ears off. It was a difficult choice for my family, and oddly it had a lot less to do with pandemic than you think, though COVID's timing made it a much easier decision. Schools weren't working for my 7-year-old, and he's been begging to homeschool officially for 18 months now. 

So far, so good, but I think that's because the biggest thing I've committed to this year is allowing ourselves grace.

I have hated the public discussion around school because it seems that everyone's defense mechanism is attacking someone else's decision. Everyone feels persecuted, and everyone feels the most persecuted. 

I've had multiple people try to convince me to stick with NTI and trust in it, rather than homeschool. Those conversations make me want to shut down and hide in a croft house in the Orkneys for the next 15 years. Other people have told me my kids will be weirdos or that I'm making a bad choice for them. Others have told me I'm making a selfish choice rather than sticking with the community (this, I believe, and it guts me because I firmly believe in community before self, making me question everything about our family's choice).

Basically, every parent is feeling pre-emptively judged. 

We have been used to internet shaming since our pregnancy announcements: for breastfeeding too long, for not breastfeeding at all, for having a home birth, for having a Cesarian, for putting photos of our children online, for not posting any photos, for being a stay-at-home-parent, for going back to work too quickly, for being in a "must be nice" position (oh, that one grates at me the most!).

Nothing we do is right, and I know this post is already inflammatory. 

I'm trying not to care.

I want to sit here and list every reason we are homeschool: to prove to you, my friends, that I have thought and researched and talked to school psychologists and principals and that I assure you, the decision to homeschool was not made lightly.

I know better. I do not need to justify my choices to anyone.

(But since my closest friends read this, I want you to remember what you know about me: do I do anything without first researching way more than I should? If you don't know me well, then FYI, the answer is: No, I don't.)

2020 was supposed to be the year where I stopped justifying things in my writing. Ha! I'm trying. It's beyond hard for me because my income has always depended on public opinion -- a tricky spot to navigate. I'm trying not to care: this is about my kids.

Anyway, we are LOVING our choice to homeschool. I hope you are LOVING whatever choice you have made, as I'm quite sure you spent long hours discussing and thinking and stressing over it. 

I've had several awful years of stress and grief, and since I can't be on tour, it is very nice to explore things with my children. I'm lucky they can read and do independent study. I'm lucky they are delightful and fun to go exploring with. I'm lucky they are eager learners who guide lessons as much as follow them. I am ready to buy an RV and travel the country with them. Or maybe buy that hotel in the Orkneys and move there with them. 

This week so far, we've listened fo Beethoven, looked at Impressionist paintings, drawn dragons, built LEGO villages, done laundry, cooked meals, made schedules, explored maps, learned new songs on the piano, coded on the computer (Graham is loving Let's Start Coding!), used Kahn Academy to figure out what grade levels my kids should be mathing, learned algebra while floating in an inflatable pool, done chemistry with pool chlorine, produced videos, and so much more.

I've been working at night (Yes, I still work. Yes, I'm lucky the hours are flexible.). I recorded vocals for someone who lives in Los Angeles. I recorded a song for a TV show for someone who lives in Texas. I performed at a benefit Zoom concert. I made a 6-part splitscreen video of me singing "Cathedrals," which you can see here. 

I've been writing. Thank you to those of you who have joined Patreon. It is EVERYTHING to me. I can't wait to let y'all be the first to read my memoir, and to share my art with you. If you want to do anything to support me and my art, please, sign up for Patreon.

The Falls of the Ohio, Louisville skyline

I've always dreamed of worldschooling. I've also been really hesitant of it because I'm a big believer in pubic schools -- for so many reasons. But with pandemic, I've discovered I'm in the minority of parents out there: having the kids home has actually been working really well for us.

I think it's related to my job and the fact that I solo parent 4 days a week. Even now that David isn't traveling, he's still working 14-16 hr days (the poor guy!). Since my job schedule has never been 9-5 and has always been unpredictable, it's been really nice to not have to get a kid to a bus stop or pick him up at a specific time. I'm not doing carpool for preschool, but I am playing Baby Pet Cobra this morning. (I'm currently a Mommy Cobra who needed some alone time.)

Worldschooling is a newer buzzword, and I sort of always assumed it was just for the independently wealthy ... the type of family who just buys an RV with the trust fund and makes a living off YouTube videos of their adventures. (Please note the envy in my tone there: I would both love a trust fund and a solid YouTube channel.)

I swear you will feel SO GOOD if you just click here and become a Patron, and I'll even send you a handwritten thank you.

Last summer one day I was hiking in Switzerland behind an ancient Abbey, while David explained irrigation systems to Graham and I birdwatched with Angus and I just had this complete joy of teaching the children about the world. And I realized I was worldschooling. On that hike, the kids learned of species, of kingdoms, or scientific classifications. They learned the Swiss German word for "badger" and how to tell which firewood was older and which was more recently cut. They learned about religion (not my bag, but I treat it as anthropology) because the hike followed The Stations of the Cross which was kinda like an English and History lesson in narrative structure, the mystical number of seven, which we tied into a Harry Potter conversation, and just WOW!

The joy that I felt at being with my kids was so different than the stressful days of "gotta get to swim practice and memorize your audition and practice piano" all in the 60 minutes a day that I actually see my child because I'm gigging at night and school takes up nine hours of your day and you've already read Harry Potter seven and you're only in first grade so surely a few years of traveling around and visiting national parks and learning algebra while baking cookies wouldn't ruin you!

Fossil-hunting at the Falls of the Ohio!

We left the house this weekend. We've been in severe lockdown, but we got in the car (we stupidly purchased a car  JUST before pandemic, after being 8.5 years car-free) and went to a Historic State Park: The Falls of the Ohio, where we hunted fossils, talked of locks and hydraulics and engineering and geology and time and government offices and following directions and general joy emerged. The joy of learning and of being together.

I put the kids to bed eventually, and then got my work done. Because my work is night work anyway. I know it doesn't work for most, but the public school schedule is an awful thing to have to adhere to when you're a self-employed second-shift worker.

I think I could get used to this.

***
Grateful to be in the minority here, but reminding myself that my work has merit. It's brought a smile to at least a hundred thousand people, according to YouTube views (for which I'm not getting paid!).

I swear you will feel SO GOOD if you just click here and become a Patron, and I'll even send you a handwritten thank you.

Even though I'm not getting paid now (unemployment hasn't come through, and I've been creating unpaid content and recordings for so many organizations and other creators), I'm still busy creating. I'm creating things that bring YOU joy, like these things I've done (for free) over the past month. My only income is Patreon, and I PLEASE urge you, if you're still here, to just take a minute and join my Patreon. Here's what I've done -- again: FOR FREE!

This video, with Jim James, Will Oldham, Teddy Abrams, Carly Johnson, Jecorey Arthur, Cheyenne Mize, Sam Bush, Michael Cleveland, and, as i am so often credited: "many more" :) (I actually get credit on Spotify for this, which is cool!)

Here's me creating something to bring joy to YOU:


Here's me reading a story to your kids! For The Courier Journal/Gannett/USAToday:
https://www.courier-journal.com/videos/news/local/2020/05/14/brigid-kaelin-reads-rosie-revere-engineer-storytime-courier-journal/3104186001/?fbclid=IwAR1x6EDiewXNTj31GT-LBgvYylUyJDHKT2dlUmiZ0WX0RGvEXu3I1hehib4

Look at this teeny tin of tea I've managed to make last FIVE YEARS by rationing.

Here's a photo of my kitchen for now!

Checking in, my beauties... how are you doing? I have now been pretty much self-isolated for over two weeks. I've been focused on keeping my littlest guy breathing for the past two weeks, so apologies for being absent on the blog. Believe me, I have things to write. Things seem okay now though, and I'm starting to feel good because: I have a functional kitchen!!

David spent the entire weekend shifting cabinets over by inches so the refrigerator would open, designing a temporary countertop so we could install the sink, searching for p-traps and various other PVC pieces from neighbors so we wouldn't have to go to the hardware store, moving the contractor's tools into the basement so we could have our dining room back, and so I would stop crying at having to take a bath with a casserole dish. Our contractor wanted to stay away because Angus had been sick, and I wanted our contractor to stay away because he also works for the Archdiocese, who continued to hold mass despite public health warnings. Win-win/Lose-lose, for all (shrug emoji). The kitchen is not finished, but I made coffee and toast this morning and did dishes in an actual sink.

I've lost all of my income for the next three months (except my Patreon! and random thing but if you click on whatever ad links are surrounding my blog, I actually get paid like ten times more than I do for a Spotify stream, how weird is that?), but I am grateful to have a husband with a job and health care and my four-year-old (he turned FOUR last week!) is breathing normally again. We will manage.

Angus spiked a fever on March 8, so I've been basically holding his sick li'l' coughing body. He spent his 4th birthday alternating antibiotics and nebulizers and cough meds and acetaminophen. The poor kid is asthmatic and could not break the fever from the adenovirus he tested positive for. Chest x-rays showed bacterial pneumonia. No, he was not tested for COVID-19, and his doctors were doubtful that he had it (because he was positive for two other respiratory viruses). Nonetheless, I have been behaving as if he does have it because this is a public health issue and when we went in for swabbing on March 11, there were no tests in Kentucky yet. He was negative for flu and strep, but positive for two respiratory viruses and an ear infection which they believed led to the pneumonia. His asthmatic tendencies made it worse. It was an awful week of tears, stress, adrenaline, no sleep, and holding my sweet baby, who is currently dressed in a dinosaur costume and on Zoom with his preschool teacher for a singalong.

Other updates: Our sweet au pair left us in February. While we are grateful to have had her when my parents were dying, we are equally grateful that she is gone now -- and not trapped in our house during The Plague. Times are strange enough, and I'm so glad she gets to be back in Brazil with her family.

I wish Graham's school had closed a week earlier, but I'm grateful that Kentucky shut down schools on March 16. On a positive note, Graham has been begging to homeschool all year long because he's grown bored with the schoolwork. I'm a big believe in public schools, and I'm welcoming this opportunity to try out homeschooling without losing his place in the wonderful public school he attends.

Now that Angus is better, I'm looking forward to making music for you, recording, writing, posting, sharing on my Patreon. I've been wanting to do more Facebook Live concerts, but haven't been able to plan any since Angus had been sick.

I'm washing my hands and settling down to write a few postcards to my Patreons and edit up some travel photos I took in Ireland last month (long story!). I had a writing retreat I've yet to tell you about, where I got back in the zone and was ready to write write write the book and the album, and then I went straight into hardcore parenting and am once again out of practice with writing. But I'll get there. Take care of yourselves and wash your hands and STAY HOME (unless of course you're an essential worker in which case bless you times a million).


ENJOY my writing? PLEASE join my PATREON. 

I walked a labyrinth last month. Anyone recognize where?

I've been manic posting today, and I need to lay off the social media. It's weird when your two oldest friends die. My parents were the recipients of random texts and thoughts and occasionally of packages I needed signatures for (Mom even reminded me in her farewell letter of the time she opened the front door to a giant box labeled "ACCORDION" when I was a teenager). David now gets all of my texts and when I know he's busy, I turn to Twitter. This leads to just manic tweeting and people flooding my DMs with "Hey, just checking on your mental health," which reminds me that I look like a danger to myself and others and I should just lay off the internets and go for a walk.

Thanks today to the friend to texted me to go for a walk without straight-up saying, "DUDE, YOU'RE MANIC AND YOU NEED TO STOP."

Where I should be turning, I suppose, is this blog. It's a kinder community and my wonderful readers are peaceful and loving and thoughtful, even when they are quiet non-commenters. This blog doesn't get a lot of comments, but it gets a whole lot of page views. It leads to emails and wonderful private conversations.

What I'm wondering now is, can we turn those conversations outward? Facebook allows too much verbal violence, and Twitter the same (though I prefer Twitter). Instagram is full of beauty, but also of the sense that I should be using it for business.

I'm trying to come to terms with the pure 100% fact that my business is failing. I've been a shocking musical success -- shocking to myself and to the basic idea that someone can make a living at being a musician. 2008 started the decline and 2020 is perhaps the harshest of all. My business creative brain has a zillion ideas that I just don't have the energy to implement.

I just want to spread joy, to connect, to create, to homeschool my children, to bake cookies, to house a homeless family, to speak for those who have no platform, to eradicate covid19, cancer and headlice, and to maybe make someone smile when they've had a shitty day.

None of this would fit in a tweet, so I turn to the blog: where likeminded people may lurk without announcing their presence. And that's ok. I love you still. But if you wanna holler out and find community: there are others like you, like me. There are kind ones out there. There are lovers, dreamers, songs about rainbows, and oh ... i'm going to just hit publish on this one before i go back and regret sharing my words. Words are all i've got right now, as sharing my music has become impossible.

Time to write that book. I'm feeling it.

So much love!

ENJOY my writing? PLEASE join PATREON. You'll feel SO good about yourself directly supporting the arts, creating jobs (i hire other artists!), and validating art as important in society.

Also: here is some art I created this week. I shared it with my PATREON folks a few days early because it's all I've got.

ENJOY my writing? PLEASE join PATREON. You'll feel SO good about yourself directly supporting the arts, creating jobs (i hire other artists!), and validating art as important in society.

*(these are amazon affiliate links - i'm not quite sure what it does, but i think i'm supposed to tell you upfront!)