That's probably the biggest issue here: I'm in limbo. I've nothing new to report. I know you care. You wouldn't be reading if you didn't. But I'm still half-healed, with three more surgeries before I'm whole again.
I've decided to go ahead with breast reconstruction, a deeply personal decision that I still wrestle with. I feel like I should be brave enough to "Go Flat!" It's a movement heard around the world, and it's one that I support.
However, much like I don't support anyone who is pushy about home births or breastfeeding (though I had a home birth and nursed each boy till they were 3.5), I am not supportive of pushing people to go flat ... so I can't tell if I'm actually thinking about going flat or if I just think I should want to go flat because I am brave woman who does not care what patriarchal society thinks about breasts.Clearly I've thought and overthought.
What I've decided is that I want my breasts. I want them for the same reasons I like my Diva Cup and I like my contact lenses and I like my long hair: they make life low-maintenance. I don't have to think about anything. I don't have to think about the fact that I'm legally blind because: contacts. I don't have to think about my period because: menstrual cup. I don't have to remember to get a hair cut.
I don't want to have prothesis breasts to make my stage dresses fit right. I don't want a completely flat chest because it is just a never-ending reminder of a horrible disease.
I've had enough traumas in the past few years to last a lifetime, and I really just want to soften the edges of this one, get my life back, feel whole again.
So: three more surgeries.
I've found a new breast surgeon, whom I adore, and he thinks he can fix my currently butchered chest. I'll have one surgery in February to swap out my left tissue expander for an implant. Then I'll have another in March or April to begin again on my right side: surgery to insert a tissue expander that will then get filled with saline weekly as it stretches and grows new skin where my concave chest is currently.
You can't just put in breast implants if there is not enough skin to wrap around them. You must first grow new skin. Each week they jab me with a huge syringe, after using a magnet to locate the port, and fill up the expander a little until I'm sore and uncomfortable and the skin is stretchy stretchy stretchy. I typically can't feel the syringe though because I have no nerves in my chest, so it's not as bad as I expected.
I'm really excited about getting my left implant because the tissue expander is starting to feel awful. It was okay, then I got used to it, and now it's been over three months and it's driving me mad. I've said this before, but it's like having Tupperware lids between your pectoralis muscle and your skin. It feels hard, foreign, pointy, in the wrong place, and just generally yucky.
Anyway: that's how I'm doing. I'm staying off Facebook because local neighborhood groups were making my blood pressure rise. Instead I'm going to focus on my Patreon page.
I can't accept any help from people right now in terms of cancer recovery, but I can say: if you want to help, please join my Patreon. It provides a monthly income to me that allows me to CREATE ART, and it gives me a massive confidence boost to think that someone out there gives a crap about art.
You can join for less than $10 a year. My next focus is to release a music video and then release a whole album. I have three albums planned that I'd like to release this year. And a book:) GOALS!
2 comments
Glad to see you writing again. Hang in there with all you're dealing with.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It's been a lot, but I'm ready to get back.
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