We are all grieving.

I came downstairs to Big Brother helping
Little Brother with ABCMouse.
This sight helps me breathe deeper.
I keep thinking of essays I want to write. I think of them at 3am. What is it that you think of at 3am? Or for you is it midnight? Or 5a? Or noon? Our brains are working overdrive, trying to survive, to breathe, to keep our hearts beating and our families fed.

It's Anxiety, and it's invaded most of us. We can't sleep. We worry about everything. Our brains jump to worst or all scenarios immediately.

I've always thought of anxiety as an evolutionary trait. It's part of me, and it's what helps me write. It's also literally saving lives right now. When you are worried about entering a grocery store, you worry about all the bad things that might happen, and you (I hope) act accordingly with precautionary measures: maybe staying home, ordering curbside pickup or delivery, or being extraordinarily careful if staying home isn't an option for you. Anxiety isn't all bad, you see.

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I see so many posts of grief of my friends, and I want to reach out an hug each of you through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, from across the street, from my front stoop.

This is so hard, right?

I have been trying to connect with you blog readers for ages, but I can't seem to get anything written. At this very moment, I have Angus hanging on my left arm and Graham leaning on my right. One is coloring, and the other is writing in a journal. These five paragraphs have taken me an hour to write.

During the past hour, one mirror was broken, two tantrums were had, two cups of tea were made and then went cold, one pencil was snapped in two, I yelled at my beautiful children. Also during that time, they drew beautiful pictures of forest habitats, David shaved his beard, the kids picked up the toy room, and I tried to lower my pulse by taking deep breaths, which have not seemed to work.

The only thing that calms me is writing. It is so hard to write when it is impossible to be alone.

How are you all doing? For real? Most of us are not ok, and that is ok. 

 What has helped me is lowering my expectations. It's been beautiful. I have tried to accomplish three things a day. That's it. Three things. 

But my brain still rolls in overdrive, wanting to do SO many things. I want to collaborate on eight zillion projects. I want to blog every day. I want to homeschool my children in a Sound of Music kind of perfection. I want to savor every moment.

Instead, there are tears, there are smiles, there are cuddles, there are "get your hands out of my shirt" shouts, there is screen-time, there is art time, there is movie night -- so many movie nights -- and there are no plans for the future.

There is comfort music and there is comfort food. There are baked good deliveries from amazing neighbors and group text threads galore. We fit too much into our daily lives, both for distraction and for community. It's a dichotomy, and it's not wrong. It's human.

We are both grief and hope. We are complex, and that is okay. 

 Enjoy this blog? Please, if you are still employed, toss $1/month to my Patreon page. Patreon is allowing me to volunteer my time for other art, like that "Lift Up Louisville" song, which I spent my family time recording, making videos, promoting, etc. Also, I dyed my hair PURPLE, and only Patreon members have access to the video :) 

UPCOMING LIVE STREAMS!
Thursday, May 1, FACEBOOK LIVE. 2:45-3:15 Eastern time, aimed at 7:45pm-8:15pm United Kingdom time! For the Europearn House Concert Hub
Sunday, May 3, FACEBOOK LIVE via ZOOM 7:00pm Eastern time. on the Adath Jeshurun page. 

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