Thursday, January 1, 2015

Clean slate, positivity, after a tearful career moment.

Ah, January 1. The day of the clean slate. I had planned on beginning the new year in the recording studio finishing up one song I actually already had drum tracks for. It didn't happen.

To be honest, I cried -- a long-winded and tearful monologue about how hard I've been trying to pull myself out of a rut, to make fruitful plans and be proactive, and when I finally had sorted out the magical triumvirate of childcare, a day off from work, and a recording studio, I was defeated yet again.

It's nobody's fault; things come up. But it tipped me over the edge, and I grieved hard for my career. I just don't know when all three will be available to me at the same time. Beyond that, I'm not sure what the point even is, except that my sanity kind of depends on it. I'm tempted to do what I did last time, and just leave town for a week, use studio musicians I've never met before, and just get it done. I'm much quicker-than-average in the studio when it comes to recording my own parts. It's the pre-production that's killing me. But, yeah, a week off? Not practical, and I want to be home with my wee boy.

He did come over to me and snuggle and make it better.
"Mommy, why are you sad?" 
"I'm just feeling sad because I didn't get to sing songs today."

"Oh, Mommy, I'm sorry. We'll sing songs. I'll make you happy." (Gives giant hug and loud kiss.) "There, are you happy now? Are you feeling better now?"

"Yes. Yes, I am. Thank you."
He's singing Frank Sinatra songs. He's a dreamboat.

I write now because it's cathartic, but I also know it's more useful to be positive. So ... moving on ...  I shall now think about the things I did accomplish today.

So far today I managed to:

  1. Not spend any money (except for the mortgage).
  2. Do my back exercises.
  3. Play trains with the Wee Boy.
  4. Play cars with the Wee Boy.
  5. Read stories with the Wee Boy.
  6. Spend every minute of the day with my husband.
  7. Cook dinner (even though I burned the chili ... I mean, who burns CHILI?!? But back to positivity...)
  8. Write in my journal (okay, not yet, but the second I post this blog, I shall)
  9. Help my mom understand her iPhone (an ongoing process)
  10. Not have a drink. Although, you know, I think right now I am going to pour myself a scotch whisky, so now I shall use the fancy crossing-out-font on number 10.
I had a really great New Year's Eve. David wore a tuxedo, and I wore makeup.
Positivity is not a new concept, but it's certainly hard to remember to focus on it when you really need it. Maybe it's time for a little Perry Como. Tis the season, anyway.

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