Monday, January 18, 2010

My football commentary.

So remember how I promised Friend-with-a-Truck a Yankees World Series for his birthday? I toyed with the idea of a Cowboys Superbowl, but then honestly didn't put much effort into it. I liked the Cowboys when I was 7 because they had lots of cheerleaders and their team colors were silver and blue -- like Chanukah. But I can't get as excited about them as I can about the Yankees, so I let it slide this year.

We watched the game anyway though. My mom is a Vikings fan, and my dad was just there for the game. I got bored and lactose-comatose about halfway through the Dundee Dip (the best reason to go to Dundee Tavern) and went browsing at Tuesday Morning. There are loads of unnecessary appliances there, but I restrained myself from buying the creme-brulee torch and old-fashioned espresso maker and went back to Dundee to see that the game was STILL a Vikings runaway. Boooooooooring.

Then I had a few brilliant ideas to make football more exciting.

First, they should tell us what the linebacks ate for breakfast that morning. Those guys are HUGE, and I would love to know how many waffles and steaks they ate, plus how many eggs were in their omelets.

Second, seeing as football uniforms cover up their bodies and faces anyway, I think they should go full-on costume. The game would have been WAY more interesting to me if it had been eleven guys dressed like Vikings versus eleven guys dressed like Cowboys. The weapons would have to be made of styrofoam, and maybe the viking horns as well, but for the most part, they should dress the part. When the Vikings scored a touchdown, the Viking cheerleaders (who are clearly yellow-braided opera singers) would row a ship down the sidelines. Likewise, when the Cowboys scored (if they had ever actually scored yesterday), they could maybe lasso a Viking or two.

Just think of all the possibilities.... The Saints could all be dressed like different saints. Mother Theresa could be Quarterback and they could have a Pope or too, or at least a halo. The Colts would be troubled because horse costumes involve two people -- one for the head and one for the arse. Perhaps they should be allowed 22 players on their team. The Raiders and the Buccaneers would have to come up with distinguishing characteristics when they played each other. But I think my favorite might be the Dolphins. How cute would that be?

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