Wednesday, January 2, 2008

My Rider

Current mood: chipper
During the week on the road with 7Mary3, I experienced something I hadn't seen since i worked at CBS News in New York: a good green room.

When you are a rock band with No.1 hits behind you, you get to insist on having certain things in your green room. I need to say first off, that I have seen silly rider requests. One morning in NYC, i went from deli to deli at 6am in January in search of the perfect grapefruit for Martha Stewart, who was unhappy with the ginormous spread of fruit in her dressing room. 7Mary3's green room -- a space they graciously shared with Peter Searcy's band -- was stocked only with simple requests, like some sodas of choice and some snacks. No green M&M's or New Zealand grapefruits.

During the Lexington show, i noticed a guy hanging in the green room who didn't seem to be with anyone. We all thought he was a friend of someone else's. I came back to the green room for a piece of chocolate (chocolate will definitely be in MY rider, should i ever get one), and this guy was just sitting on a couch, clutching a broken drumstick (a souvenir), surrounded by empty beer bottles and Reese's cup wrappers. I also had been eying the Maker's Mark bottle all evening, checking to see if anyone had cracked the seal. Until then, no one had, and since i hadn't been offered, i wasn't about to steal a taste. But this time: the seal was cracked!

Finally, i said, "Who ARE you?"

He answered, "Just a guy." I mean, really, who says that? "Just a guy." I asked him if he knew anyone in the band, and he said, "No."

"Well, then, what are you doing here?" He kept asking if i was mad at him, and insisting, drunkenly, that he had not been the one to open the Maker's. "Liar, that wax was sealed," i told him.

"No, dude, the guys from Peter Searcy's band opened it." Fool! I had him trapped. We hadn't touched anything that wasn't on our rider because ... THAT IS RUDE!

"Listen, I'm not mad at you, Strange Drunk Guy in our Green Room, but really, what do you think you are doing? Do you think it is okay to just drink other people's drinks and eat their food? And leave your trash everywhere? That is really not cool. And if you're 'Just some Guy,' then you came here for the concert, and you're missing the show. So please, get out of the green room, and think about what you have done!"

So maybe i sounded like Miss Goody Two Shoes, but really, people, what in the world makes him think that was okay? Never ever ever open anyone's bottle of Maker's Mark.

But later, as I was relaying the story to the boys, I thought about what I would like on my rider.

If I'm going to put on a good, entertaining show, I need to be in a good mood. And i need my band to be in a good mood too. And what puts people in a good mood?

Brigid Kaelin's Backstage Rider:

1) a bottle of Maker's Mark (wax SEALED!)
2) assorted mixers
3) Crown Royal (for the Canadians among us)
4) good dark chocolate
5) chips-n-salsa
6) a Box of Puppies.

Yes, a Box of Puppies. Imagine the scene .. you've driven all day in a big van. Stopped at Wendy's because it's the only place you could agree on. You're not sure what state you're in because all the Best Buy/Starbucks/Target shopping centers are all the same. You're really annoyed with your drummer because when he drives he won't stop tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. And you get to the green room, and what awaits you? A BOX OF PUPPIES!
Magic! Everyone is happy. You get to hold a few wiggly little puppies with their needle teeth and tiny tongues climbing up your legs, and displaying their little puppy bellies for the band members. Suddenly you forgot that it's been 12 nights since you slept in a real bed and you're not speaking to the bass player.

You may be asking yourself -- well, that's rude, what happens to the puppies? That's the beauty of it -- the puppies are adopted to audience members after the show. We get the Humane Society or whatever to bring in a box of puppies, and then the new owners have this great story about how they got their dog at a Brigid Kaelin show.

So that's my rider.

Bourbon and a box of puppies.


P.S. "Mazel Tonk!" and "Blue Dreidel No. 9" are on iTunes, so if you feel guilty about illegally downloading them, now's your chance to redeem yourself.

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