Tuesday, January 8, 2008

webisodes

Since the uber-success of the music video for "Blue Dreidel No. 9" (did i mention that the lead singer of Seven Mary Three actually recognized me from the YouTube video?), I've been really thinking about putting up some little BKTV. You know, little 3-5 minute shows of my adventures.

Here are some ideas for episodes of BKTV:

Episode 1: "Brigid's 90-Proof Kitchen". This idea arose back in 2001, when i was was an Associate Producer at CBS News Productions in New York City. We had a Bake-Off (tm) to lift office morale and have an excuse to eat delicious treats. I ended up winning the entire competition (yes, i bake!), but i think it was partially because my desserts always had a theme -- made with bourbon. I can't remember all my recipes, but round one was Drunken Derby-esque Pie. I also had Bourbon Chocolate Chip Cookies. The final thing was some bourbon cheesecake i think. I remember that Stephen Baldwin mistakenly dropped by our floor, when he was looking for "60 Minutes," and he ended up eating some of the Bake-Off Baked Goods. Wow, i seriously have digressed here... Anyway, the point of this is that "Brigid's 90-Proof Kitchen" will be a cooking-type show, where i cook with bourbon, and maybe enjoy some. Or maybe i visit different restaurants and cook with other people.

Episode 2: "Brigid Goes to the Hair Salon." As mentioned before, no one's ever touched my hair except for me, and one hair place in new york called the "Long Hair Salon." They took off maybe 1/2-an-inch. I've never had my hair colored or highlighted -- and i'm still way too freaked to do that -- but i'm considering the possibilities of having some hair professional who knows her way around curly hair take off a few inches here or there. Maybe make me look like a superstar. Do you think Joseph's would allow the video camera in there? What if i turn into one of those girls on America's Next Top Model who freaks out when they cut her hair? I seriously might cry just out of shock. Could make great web-a-vision...

Episode 3: "Brigid Goes on a Blind Date". I've never been on a blind date before. Actually, i don't think i've ever really been on a real date. Well, maybe one. It was really weird. I don't have time to hang out with my friends; why do i want to hang out with someone i don't even know? Besides that, the last time someone hit on me actively -- this was Headliner's back in October -- i was very blunt. I think you can learn a lot about a person by finding out the answers to important questions. I'm not saying that I'm shallow, but it's nice to know the type of person you're dating. Peter was standing next to me when this guy was hitting on me, and Peter about hit the floor laughing when i asked the guy, "Do you have a job? Do you have health insurance? Do you have a bank account? Are you a musician? Do you own or do you rent?" I'm not saying my preferences or anything, but the guy who thinks it's perfectly okay to be over 30 and not have health insurance .. well, yeah, don't call me.
Anyway, this episode could be like that show "blind date," where my roommate Rachel writes clever little "pop-up captions" that say things like, "Wow, i bet he thinks 401K is a Nascar move."

Episode 4: "Who wants to be Brigid's Other Roommate?" In this episode, Rachel and Jess and i actually answer all those wacky craigslist emails we get and we interview the people who want to live in our Sorority House in the Highlands. (We've got an open room .... tempted?)

Episode 5: "Brigid Goes to the Grocery Store and Runs into Everyone She's Ever Known" If you live in Louisville, you won't find this shocking.

Episode 6: "Brigid Tries Yoga for the First Time" Any yoga teachers out there want to offer a personal class to me and my roommates? I've never done yoga before, and I'm curious, but not curious enough to go seek a class full of bendy people. Come to my house and let me tape you trying to make me breathe and be bendy. Wait, that sounds weird... you know what I mean.


Hmmmmm... any one got any episode ideas?

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

My Rider

Current mood: chipper
During the week on the road with 7Mary3, I experienced something I hadn't seen since i worked at CBS News in New York: a good green room.

When you are a rock band with No.1 hits behind you, you get to insist on having certain things in your green room. I need to say first off, that I have seen silly rider requests. One morning in NYC, i went from deli to deli at 6am in January in search of the perfect grapefruit for Martha Stewart, who was unhappy with the ginormous spread of fruit in her dressing room. 7Mary3's green room -- a space they graciously shared with Peter Searcy's band -- was stocked only with simple requests, like some sodas of choice and some snacks. No green M&M's or New Zealand grapefruits.

During the Lexington show, i noticed a guy hanging in the green room who didn't seem to be with anyone. We all thought he was a friend of someone else's. I came back to the green room for a piece of chocolate (chocolate will definitely be in MY rider, should i ever get one), and this guy was just sitting on a couch, clutching a broken drumstick (a souvenir), surrounded by empty beer bottles and Reese's cup wrappers. I also had been eying the Maker's Mark bottle all evening, checking to see if anyone had cracked the seal. Until then, no one had, and since i hadn't been offered, i wasn't about to steal a taste. But this time: the seal was cracked!

Finally, i said, "Who ARE you?"

He answered, "Just a guy." I mean, really, who says that? "Just a guy." I asked him if he knew anyone in the band, and he said, "No."

"Well, then, what are you doing here?" He kept asking if i was mad at him, and insisting, drunkenly, that he had not been the one to open the Maker's. "Liar, that wax was sealed," i told him.

"No, dude, the guys from Peter Searcy's band opened it." Fool! I had him trapped. We hadn't touched anything that wasn't on our rider because ... THAT IS RUDE!

"Listen, I'm not mad at you, Strange Drunk Guy in our Green Room, but really, what do you think you are doing? Do you think it is okay to just drink other people's drinks and eat their food? And leave your trash everywhere? That is really not cool. And if you're 'Just some Guy,' then you came here for the concert, and you're missing the show. So please, get out of the green room, and think about what you have done!"

So maybe i sounded like Miss Goody Two Shoes, but really, people, what in the world makes him think that was okay? Never ever ever open anyone's bottle of Maker's Mark.

But later, as I was relaying the story to the boys, I thought about what I would like on my rider.

If I'm going to put on a good, entertaining show, I need to be in a good mood. And i need my band to be in a good mood too. And what puts people in a good mood?

Brigid Kaelin's Backstage Rider:

1) a bottle of Maker's Mark (wax SEALED!)
2) assorted mixers
3) Crown Royal (for the Canadians among us)
4) good dark chocolate
5) chips-n-salsa
6) a Box of Puppies.

Yes, a Box of Puppies. Imagine the scene .. you've driven all day in a big van. Stopped at Wendy's because it's the only place you could agree on. You're not sure what state you're in because all the Best Buy/Starbucks/Target shopping centers are all the same. You're really annoyed with your drummer because when he drives he won't stop tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. And you get to the green room, and what awaits you? A BOX OF PUPPIES!
Magic! Everyone is happy. You get to hold a few wiggly little puppies with their needle teeth and tiny tongues climbing up your legs, and displaying their little puppy bellies for the band members. Suddenly you forgot that it's been 12 nights since you slept in a real bed and you're not speaking to the bass player.

You may be asking yourself -- well, that's rude, what happens to the puppies? That's the beauty of it -- the puppies are adopted to audience members after the show. We get the Humane Society or whatever to bring in a box of puppies, and then the new owners have this great story about how they got their dog at a Brigid Kaelin show.

So that's my rider.

Bourbon and a box of puppies.


P.S. "Mazel Tonk!" and "Blue Dreidel No. 9" are on iTunes, so if you feel guilty about illegally downloading them, now's your chance to redeem yourself.

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