Had to edit this photo bc someone
flagged it as pornography even though
75% of my post-mastectomy-breasts
were covered by at white rectangle. GRRR.

Let me begin with the obvious: you don't need any of this. But just like when you have a baby, you'll find that during mastectomy recovery, while you don't need most of "the stuff," some of that "stuff" actually improves your quality of life.

Jump straight to my Amazon storefront to see these items.

I've compiled a list of things I genuinely enjoyed having during my post-mastectomy weeks (I'm three-weeks out as I'm writing this). There will be a Round Two someday because I was also gifted some pretty amazing things from friends. Check back for the Mastectomy Gift Guide when I have the energy to write again.

I hope this list is helpful. Maybe you click all the links and buy all the stuff. Maybe you just read through and find that having knowledge of what to expect helps you feel a little more in control of your current situation. Most importantly, mastectomies are major surgeries. Allow yourself time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Splurge if you can. Life is short (don't we all know that by now)...

1. Mastectomy Pillow
I wish I'd remembered to bring this to the hospital with me. It would have been nice for the ride home, so my seatbelt wasn't so miserable. This pillow has notches cut out for your arms, which gives support and a great cushion to your chest. You won't be able to hug anyone properly for a while. Having a cushion helps hugs feel better, but also it's nice to just hug the pillow. This particular one has a great pocket in front to hold your phone or a pencil or airpods or whatnot.

$25 on Amazon.

These are Amazon links. I'm part of an affiliate program. Clicking on the links helps me. Thanks!

2. Button-up pajamas.
Buy a few pairs of these, and wear one of them to your surgery, especially if your surgery is outpatient. You will not be able to raise your arms above your head for at least several weeks, so button-up pajamas (and eventually shirts) will be your best friend. Splurge on something soft. You've got cancer (or BRCA+) and it SUCKS and you deserve soft pajamas.

3. Button-up shirts A close second to the soft pajamas. You might already have these in your closet (or can borrow from a partner or friend). When you finally feel like getting dressed for real, you'll still have limited range of motion in your arms/shoulders. Putting a shirt over your head is a challenge, so button-up shirts are everything.

4. Shirts that hold your drains. I have two of these, and they were great. I just got my drains out, but I still like the shirts. They're really soft and have the perfect pocket for your drains. I could have clipped my drains or used a fanny pack, but these were much more pleasant. Also, the clips that came with my drains lost their clamping ability after a few days. The feeling of a drain falling down and tugging at your skin is painful and scary, and shirts like this prevented that. Also: SO SOFT!

5. A mesh bag for your drains
This was SO nice for the shower. One friend told me I wouldn't need them, and I totally respect that everyone recovers differently. My mastectomy was outpatient and I knew that showering would be difficult without help, so I got the bag anyway. And I LOVED it. I hate things around my waist, so having this around my neck was a lot more comfortable in the shower.
Also, check out local sewers, as this has become a popular item for people to sew. I had a mesh bag made in Louisville by Necessary Comforts. It was a gift from a Twitter friend.
Mesh bag by Necessary Comforts

6. Throat lozenges General anesthesia is a beast. You'll have a breathing tube during the surgery -- for a few hours. Your voice will be really hoarse, sore, dry, maybe even painful the days following the surgery. Keeping throat lozenges by your bed helps mitigate that.

7. Chapstick Much like your throat is dry, your lips will be really dry. Treat yourself to some nice chapstick. You deserve it.

8. Wedge pillow

I LOVE this wedge pillow. It's adjustable, so you can gradually get flatter. Sleeping with drains in is tricky, so I also lined my sides with pillows. When you are able to sleep flat again, keep this around. I used it for a rotator cuff surgery earlier this year, and my husband uses it for reflux. My kids use it to relax. I use it to read in bed. It's really helpful, and I see us living with it for years.

9. Sleep mask

Sleep is everything to keep your mind and body healthy, but it's especially important when you need to heal. I had a stash of eyemasks from plane trips, but this eyemask changed me. Complete darkness. Soft. Room for your eyes to open but not brush against the inside of the mask. Luxury.

10. Earplugs I typically despise when companies market things "for women," like when you see a pink drill "for women" or a pink pen "for women" -- like, only the color is different, that's dumb. But these: they are pink, which makes them easier to find when you drop one. Mostly: they fit beautifully in my tiny ears. Also: you need to sleep. A lot. These earplugs + the above sleep mask = pure magic.

11. Resistance bands for at-home Physical Therapy You may go to PT, or during a pandemic you may not feel safe there. Either way these small resistance bands are helpful to stretch your muscles and regain strength and range of motion.

12. Tablet holder - for bed
This was SO useful, especially when I was up in the middle of the night for no reason. Your arms will be weak and you will be tired. It's nice to put a pillow on your lap and put your phone or iPad up there.

13. Soft housecoat with POCKETS I have become obsessed with housecoats. And they have pockets!! I had my mastectomy in October, so plush housecoats are my jam. I have two, and I live in them.

14. Witch Hazel wipes
It might be difficult to poop after surgery -- it usually is. Once you do squeeze one out, you'll be glad you have these on hand. You're welcome!

15. Long phone charger You'll be stuck in bed for a long time. You want to make sure your phone can reach the charger while you're lying in bed doomscrolling.

There are a lot of other items that I acquired, either gifts or painkiller-purchases (be careful about this ha ha -- oxycodone makes you LOOOOOOOPY and you might buy a 75" television if you're not careful), but I'll save them for another blog.

I hope this was helpful! Thanks for reading.

********

UPDATES ON MY CANCER: https://tinyurl.com/brigidupdates

Other ways to support: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin (This has links to EVERYTHING, my website, my cancer updates, my Venmo, my Patreon, and all my social media! I've been a professional musician since I was a teenager. COVID has eliminated career, so I'm doing all I can do stay afloat. I so appreciate all my friends who have jumped in to help my family. We love you so much.)

Quick links to various updates/sites: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin

Well, technically it's two weeks and six days, but I need to post something. People are asking, and I so appreciate that. I'm feeling well, but extremely exhausted. I'm grateful that my cancer was Stage 1. I'm also still in limbo awaiting further pathology to see if my treatment is finished or not.

I miss my mom a lot. I miss my dad a lot. I am also glad they aren't alive to see their only child go through cancer treatment. I could not imagine that pain, and I suspect it would be a lot worse than the anguish that I feel on a daily basis.

I'm working on a few blogs that I hope will be helpful to other people going through breast cancer. One will be along the "what to expect when you have a mastectomy [during a pandemic]" and another will be "what you need when you are recovering from a mastectomy."

Today is just an update, however.

I am overwhelmed with love. While wrestling with guilt about the GoFundMe, so many of you have reminded me how much I have given to the community, whether it be from playing a zillion benefit concerts, underpaid gigs, or this FREE blog I have written for fifteen years, one-on-one coaching I've provided to countless artists, and more. I've also paused billing on my Patreon, so if you're a member over there, you get at least one free month (I may pause December too).

Others (both friends AND therapists!) have reminded me that none of that stuff matters; that even if I hadn't been giving, it doesn't mean I don't deserve to be showered in love and community. Someone always has it worse, but that doesn't mean I'm not deserving.*

The GoFundMe has been amazing, especially in a year when I lost my job. We've been using the funds to pay medical bills (which will total at least $28,200 for 2020 -- yes, it should be criminal, but that's another blog), to purchase some things that have made my recovery much easier, and to order meals for the family. I can't stand on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time, and David works 12-14 hour days. These funds and friends' meal deliveries have been a huge help and we appreciate them SO much.

Updates/new FAQs (previous FAQs answered on my previous blog):

I did get reconstructive surgery (No judging, please. I know several of you suggested that I don't go that route. But I did. I'm a rebel!)
I got my drains out on Monday. That felt SUPER weird. (more about that on my instagram)
I'm having phantom LETDOWNS. How crazy is that??? (A letdown is a weird, tingly feeling you get right before your milk starts to come out of your nipples when you're pumping or breastfeeding. I haven't had that feeling in years, and now I don't even have any milk ducts or nipples. But the brain is weird.)
I do not know what comes next. There are several possibilities, but they all depend on the recurrence score that is dictated by the Oncotype Dx. In other words, I'm waiting on more pathology. Cancer: it's all about the limbo.
My gynecologist wants me to get some uterine and ovarian scans STAT, and I'm all about that. Early detection, folks.
I need to go to physical therapy to regain strength and range of motion, but since COVID is rampant and I'm immunocompromised: I'm not going. I'm attempting my own home exercises, but I do not trust the other patients in the PT offices who can't even seem to where a mask properly.
I'm supposed to start walking for exercise, and the doctors specifically suggested a treadmill or elliptical rather than outside walks. If anyone in Louisville is getting rid of a treadmill or elliptical for a reasonable price, will you please message me? Thanks.
Repeats of previous answers for those curious: I'm negative for *known* mutations (though genetic counselors believe it's on a gene that hasn't been mapped yet). My four tumors were all ER+, PR+ and Her2-.
I'm anxious to get a second opinion from oncologist, but I am nervous that the oncologist I've been assigned will think I don't trust him. I like him a lot, but I have been advised by many of you to always get a second or third opinion to see what treatment options should look like. I haven't made any phone calls yet because I have phone anxiety.

SO MUCH LOVE. Do your mammograms, y'all. If you have dense breast tissue and/or are high-risk, push for an MRI. Doctors will tell you about the false positive rate. You can decide for yourself. I prefer false positive to false negatives. That's just me though. WOMEN SHOULD HAVE A CHOICE IN THEIR HEALTH CARE.

*Also I have been giving away 20% of the GoFundme to other, less-widely-known victims of cancer medical bills and various non-profits. This assuages my guilt a little bit and also helps people who are very much in need of help to get cancer treatment, but who don't have the public following that I do.

Sorry this is sideways. I’ll fix it later.
For now, pretend you’re a cocker spaniel.

It’s been two weeks since my mastectomy. I am writing from bed. Today I have zero energy. As my 8-year-old explain in evolutionary terms, “Your body thinks it’s been attacked by a saber-toothed tiger, Mom.” He’s not wrong. Our fight or flight response cannot tell the difference between a surgeon’s scalpel and a bear attack, so I suppose it responds similarly: stress hormones and healing.

I’m still healing.

My scars are both beautiful and ugly, depending on if you’re imagining Sally Nightmare or a plastic surgeon’s precise embroidery. Mine are a mix, I think.

I’ll post some photos eventually. (I want to figure out a way to make them clickable, like ‘click to see the boobs landing page’, so I don’t stick my boobs or foobs in the face of someone who just wanted to relax with a cuppa and my blog.) It’s the first time I’ve ever taken nude pics of myself, excepting ONE photo of my boobs when Angus was 36-hours-old and my milk came in SUDDENLY while i was out on a gig and I had to throw down my accordion and run to the bathroom and my breasts were just comically large and leaky. That’s somewhere in The Cloud, if you’re the hacker type, who’s also a boob-person. For how I’m going to hold off on the mastectomy scar photos, just because I don’t want this blog to take my entire afternoon.

I’m still healing.

I’ve started wearing cute pajamas and house coats. In my head I look like Zooey Deschanel on New Girl, but in reality I think I look like Cathy, of comic strip fame. The button-up pajama sets are nice because I’ve still got drains from surgery. Those are these plastic tubes that are sewn into my sides and which suck lymph fluid and extra blood out. It’s pretty gross, but also kinda cool if you are a biology-loving type. They are a pain in the side because sometimes I accidentally catch them on a doorknob or a four-year-old and then they tug sharply. I think I’ll have them removed on Monday, but they are still sucking out a lot of body goo. (That’s a very technical term.)

A few days ago I pretended like everything was normal. I went to a neighbor’s backyard, so my kids could bounce on their trampoline. Then I read books and discussed An Indigenous People’s History of America and walked around the backyard four times. I came home and then attended a virtual fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity while eating Italian food with my family.

I am still, days later, completely beat. I’m ready to actively homeschool again, but I want to do it from bed. I want to begin an exercise and rehab program, but I want to do it from bed. I want to write four hundred thank you notes, but my hands don’t work properly yet (the surgery hurts my arms) so I can’t do that [from bed]. I want to use this down time to catch up on every book I haven’t read yet.

For now I’m trying to Just Be. To give myself grace and to actually be still.

I’m still healing.

*************

Pathology reports and other updates are here: https://tinyurl.com//brigidupdates

All other links here: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin (click on this because Linktree charges me $6/month and I want to feel like my website is worth it!)

Ways to support:
Cancer Page w/ updates (free)
Patreon (as low as $1/month, now with discounts for annual subscribers!)
Other links to all my pages, updates, tip jars

It's been a week and a couple of days since the bilateral mastectomy, and I still feel like ass. I wake up and think I have a slight bit of energy, but then it's gone before I can get dressed. My brain is still anesthesia-fogged, and my appetite not great. But I've been able to enjoy a lot of moments with my kids and husband.

We have all been in our own worlds. We've each had our own hobbies, shows, books, screen time-sucks, and I'd like this fall to be more about togetherness. It is really hard to tell the kids to get off their screens when David and I are constantly on our own devices. Even though most of our screen-time is legitimately for work, the kids can't understand that. Screens are our only connection to other people, also, so when my kiddo can only see his grandparents or friends via Facetime, it's hard to say no to that. I don't say no to that, but to watching Avatar for the 500th time or downloading "just one more new game because the one I downloaded five minutes ago is boring."

Something that has brought our family a LOT of joy in the past couple of weeks is a simple little home project that involved creating a nice outdoor space. Our backyard was a blank canvas, not in the best of ways.

It is The Secret Garden-level overgrown along the fence line, caused by years of my parents trying to keep the fence line in shape, but they had old lady neighbors who didn't have time, money, or care to cut down the honeysuckle. Then my parents became the old couple, then they were the old couple with cancer, and the weeds took over. I've tried to cut them back and clean things up, but now I'm the old lady with cancer and landscaping is pretty much the thing I care least about in this world.

I do, however, enjoy whimsy.

Before surgery, I took a hedge-trimmer to my boxwood with just a mental plan of making some sort of topiary art. I let out a lot of emotion with that power tool.

Before surgery, David and I pitchforked straw-bales ($36!) over a patch of dirt and created a beautiful outdoor space.

After surgery, David set up a fire-pit and an outdoor movie-watching area.

After surgery, some amazing neighbors donated their play-set to us AND delivered and set it up. Now the boys have swings and a secret clubhouse, and the words "Go outside and play," are no longer met with resistance.

After surgery, I'm too tired to be outside and enjoy the perfect autumn days.

But I want to.

I want to sit outside with my little boys. I want outside blankets. I want to paint large pieces of plywood with the circle cut out for your face for silly photo ops. I want energy.

I have oncology and surgical post-op appointments on Tuesday. That should give me some sort of idea as to what the winter will look like. For now I'm just living in uncertainty: not my favorite location, but here we are.

Thank you for following along. Support a friend with cancer or a friend in need. Take care of yourself or ask for help if you are the friend in need. Much love.

More updates: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin

Previous cancer posts:

2. https://brigidkaelin.blogspot.com/2020/10/cancer-faqs-mastectomy-date-and-support.html
1. https://brigidkaelin.blogspot.com/2020/10/this-breast-cancer-awareness-month-i.html

Just some quick updates:

I am home and in my wonderful bed, made even more wonderful by luxurious sheets sent to me by my former boss, whose family has always felt like my own. I feel like I’m recovering in a hotel, though there’s no front desk to call when the kids in the next room over are being loud

Anyway, I’m home, and I did not stay overnight in hospital.

Surgery was Thursday at 3p, and I was home by 8:30p, able to kiss my boys good night, though I think they were scared to see me so loopy and nauseated from surgery. They have been brave, but I know they are terrified.
Outpatient mastectomy is not the norm, but during COVID times, cancer patients should stay far away from hospitals.

Surgeons took five lymph nodes for examination, but we don’t know pathology reports for a while. Both surgeons are out of town next week, so I’m not sure how that will delay things.
I had a LOT of anesthesia (a redhead issue). It’s all listed in the digital medical records, and when I look through my phone, it just repeats these combinations of lethal meds. Drugs that hospice uses to heavily sedate people … it scares me that they are still in my system. But it is worth it to me because science is amazing.
Thank you all SO much for donating to the GoFundMe. It has left us in absolute heaping sobs of love, disbelief, and comfort. Peace of Mind is so helpful: I had no idea just how much I needed it, until some friends set up the GoFundMe.
I'm dreading tomorrow because the third-day post-op is supposedly the worst. Pain isn't my favorite, so hoping I can sleep through it.

David and I currently are wrapped in a love cocoon, surrounded by community and friends, even though no one can come visit. It’s made me reflective. I have always tried to be a really good person. But for many years in a row, it seems that karma isn’t real. A lot of great things have happened to people who’ve done a lot of shady things. A lot of crap things have happened to really good people.

At one point I thought: what’s the point? Maybe I should have just been worrying about myself all this time. Seeing the outpouring of community and love has been a bit like watching my own funeral, I imagine. I had no idea the impact I’ve had on some of your lives, and I’m so grateful to know. I’m feeling awfully guilty about the donations and covering medical bills. A friend reminded me to try to add up the amount of pro bono gigs I have done for people (so many, so so many: musicians are always on the forefront of “Benefit Shows”) and accept that this is some form of beautiful payback.

In my own strange way of passing the love forward, I spent the morning writing to some friends who live far away, but who deserve to hear how much they are loved and what differences they made in my life. (P.S. Happy birthday John Prine and Tim Krekel. I didn’t write to you today, but oh the things I wish I could tell you!)

ANYWAY: updates. We won’t know about further treatment plans until pathology on the lymph nodes comes back (please be clear, please be clear!), and that may be a week or so.

So we are settled back into uneasiness. I am in the luxurious bed wishing I had a little more strength in my arm to journal or write thank you notes. I’ll get there.

My ADHD/ASD brain makes sitting still really, really hard for me, but I am determined to get better soon. And I know resting now is very important. I want to start exercising again. I want to compose, to finish this music video, to move to Scotland or Canada. Forget I said that last part.

I love y’all. Thank you for all the love, the shares, the messages, the donations, the flowers, the gifts, the wisdom. Being sick while relatively young and without parents is pure crap, but I’ve been enveloped with love. It is powerful, and it is good.

Thank you to Jeska Forsyth for organizing the GoFundMe and keeping everyone updated. She and her husband Guy Forsyth are on Patreon and do a lot of great livestreams.

Visit https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin for the various ways of keeping in touch.

THANK YOU to my former boss
and dear friend who sent
bagels from NYC. #comfortfood

Previous blogs re: cancer are here
Hello, all. If you’re just tuning in: I’ve got a touch of breast cancer. I kept the news quiet for a while, but I realized that was selfish. I know, I know, you are saying, “Brigid! You’ve got cancer. You get to be selfish!” You are right! Selfish includes me thinking about my family, and it would be horribly unfair to David and the boys if they had to go through caregiving alone. Community is everything to me.

My surgery is tomorrow, and it is an outpatient bilateral mastectomy with sentinel node removal. My mom was in the hospital for a week with her mastectomy, so I'm a little freaked by going home. But COVID is scary too, so I'm happy to be away from a hospital.

From 2017-2019, I was the caregiver for my parents as they each died of cancer. The only thing that got me through that with any trace of sanity was my support system. David and my little guys are managing all kinds of appointments and feelings and additional duties, from physical to emotional. It’s a lot for them. I want them to have their own support system.

Some dear friends have organized a GoFundMe that I am embarrassed by because I hate asking for help. I am trying to be brave about it and accept that sometimes the way we help each other -- especially during PANDEMIC -- is by buying someone a meal or paying a bill for them. Funds from the GoFundMe will pay medical bills or buy ways to keep the children smiling. Their experience with cancer so far has been watching my parents decay, and they are understandably scared to hear their mother’s diagnosis. No pressure AT ALL. It's a way for you to help, but I will not put up a paywall behind information about cancer. Also, several of you have already sent dollars directly and your names won't be on the fancy GoFundMe wall. Let me know if you want public honoring: I'll sing your names loudly. If I get more than I need, it'll go to cancer research or support organizations.

Answers to all your questions & responses to your comments:

What is your prognosis?
I don’t know, and I won’t know until after surgery. Let us put into the universe that it is Stage 1. Stage 1 would be amazing. Let us have Stage 1 thoughts.
What type of breast cancer is it?
It's invasive ductal carcinoma, ER+, PR+. The tumor that was finally found on the MRI is 8mm.
Why did you think you were at risk?
My mom's cancers were not on gene markers that have been mapped, but her oncologists believed them to be hereditary, based on looking at family trees. One day I'll geek out and show you my family tree, color-coded to the cancer diagnosis, but for now, trust that I knew my family had hereditary cancers. I did everything I could to lower my risk -- I rarely drink, I haven't eaten meat in 25+ years, I breastfed forever, I exercise. You can't fool genes.
How did you know something was wrong when your mammogram and ultrasounds were clear?
I persisted because over the past year I had had some weird symptoms developing - fatigue, decreasing appetite without any weight loss, but never any palpable lumps. I know my body really well. I had a home birth. I breastfed for seven years straight. I know my breasts especially well. The biggest symptom was is a weird itching, burning, tickling, tugging feeling deep in my right breast, and it sometimes radiated to my shoulder and neck.
After the clear mammogram in March, I talked to my gynecologist about my intuition. She believed me and did not dismiss it as anxiety (she was also the same person to have first found my mother's breast cancer, when my mom's mammogram was clear) and referred me to a High Risk Breast Health clinic where I was on a wait list to get a diagnostic MRI. That MRI got delayed three times due to COVID.
In the mean time, my GP followed up on shoulder & neck pain. I had a shoulder MRI which showed DDD and bursitis and bone spurs and rotator cuff issues, so we did that surgery in June thinking that might have been the problem.
When I finally got the breast MRI in early September, the tumor lit up right away, in a way that the mammogram and ultrasound could not. They were able to find the tumor on an ultrasound eventually after hunting around for a long time and biopsy it.
"Be cautious. Depending on what you say or discuss, your feeds can suddenly become clogged with advertising, some of it ghoulish."
YES! This is great advice. My feeds are already a mess, having purchased two urns on Amazon and buried both my parents. My targeted ads have been about clinical trials and cemetery plots for years now though, but in general this is super good advice. If I weren't a public figure, I would likely keep this to myself. But so far since I first posted this on my blog ten different people have messaged me to say they scheduled their mammograms. So weird internet be damned. I'm either all secret or all public.

Who are your doctors?!

Right now I'm at Norton in Louisville, but I plan on several second opinions after the pathology from surgery comes back. The surgeon doing my mastectomy also did my mom's mastectomy 20 years ago next month. I'll post more specifics on the central page for medical updates, where Jeska Forsyth has been kind enough to take over posting info so that my family can focus on me instead of the internet.

"Glad they caught it early"

I don't know staging yet, but let us all HOPE that I caught it early. Also, let it be a reminder to everyone reading that doctors don't know everything, especially about your body. Trust your gut, and if something feels off, follow up on it until you get an answer.

“What the hell, Brigid?!?"

I KNOW!! Fucking cancer.

Can I come mow your lawn or something?

I have amazing friends. THANK YOU all who have reached out. Thank you for buying mastectomy pillows and button-up pajamas and beautiful notebooks and markers for my family to make recovery easier. THANK YOU to those who have venmo'd, paypaled, sent gift cards to restaurants and such. My mind is blown by the support I'm seeing. There is a GoFundMe which is set up but absolutely not at all me asking -- it is a place to show support if you can, but there are also so many other ways to show support.

My address is PO Box 5803 Louisville, KY 40255 and I love cards and letters too. If you need an address that's not a PO Box (i don't check the PO daily), email me or my husband.

You could also pay it forward to someone else in need. Make a dinner for someone else going through hard times. I believe that the acts of service we perform for others have incredible capacities to reverberate through the community, so do something nice for someone today. It doesn't have to be for me.

I wish I could have visitors. COVID makes that impossible.

We hired a lawn service, but thanks for the offer!

Are you still making music?

YES! Thanks to my patreon community, especially, I'm going to be releasing "18 Months Later" on digital platforms soon. I filmed part of a video for it this week, and I'm hoping to edit it together while on bedrest. I'm also going to be working on an entire album of meditation music while I"m in recovery.

MASSIVE THANK YOU to Dawn Landes for jumping in without question to fill in for me on virtual concerts that I can no longer perform. Her new album is came out last week, and I recommend it so very much (and not just because I got to sing the dream role of Amelia Earheart on it!).

October! Dirndls & breast
cancer. There must be a link.

Welcome to October: Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I would like you to be aware that I have breast cancer. This is not a drill.

I’m having a bilateral mastectomy next week.

That is something I knew I’d be announcing someday, given my family history (Ashkenazi Jew, and my mom also had breast cancer in her 40s). Even so, it came as an absolute gut punch when they called me on Rosh Hashanah with the biopsy results, as I sat under a mulberry tree making New Year’s crafts with my small children.

I considered hiding all winter and not telling anyone but David. After all, I once hid an entire pregnancy from 99% of my friends. Despite my "brand" as a sharer, I don't actually tell y'all everything. (Which means I've been saving up good juicy stuff for my book.)

But if there’s anything that helped me through my parents’ cancers, it was writing about it and knowing that someone out there was getting something out of it. There are lurkers on cancer blogs: people who are suddenly in the same situation and do a google search and find someone out there sharing stories. For so many of us, sharing stories is all we know how to do.

I’ll share more later.

For now, know that it was not visible on mammogram, nor ultrasound. It was not palpable. I knew it was there though because I know my body really, really well.

I changed doctors until finally one of them believed me and ordered a breast MRI. By the time I eventually had that MRI (an absurdly long wait time: it was ordered in March, but not performed until September), they’d spotted the tumor and scheduled me for biopsy before I even got home.

Women: you know your bodies. Advocate for yourselves. Trust yourselves. Follow up on new symptoms and take notes at the doctor. *If you are denied a test, ask that it be noted in your chart. I wish I had done this.*

Doctors: Believe women.

ALSO: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS NONSENSE IS REALITY?!?!?!?!

I am still writing, creating, composing, and homeschooling. I'm almost finished with an entire instrumental album, and I'm trying to finish a new music video before surgery. I was 35k words into my memoir when this shit happened. I'm still gonna write the book. I'm gonna release the videos. I'm gonna make it happen. I'm just gonna take a break for a month.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you in person. I feel like all I've done is describe cancer for the past many years. It's getting boring, right? COVID means you can't hug me or wash my dishes or watch my kids. You can't even put a lasagna in my oven for me.

We'll be okay, but I really don't know the answer to the question: How can I help? First of all, please know that you don't have to help. I'm here to write about the experience and share it and you don't owe me a thing for those words. I'm not putting up a paywall behind cancer information.

But I know some of you will still want to help because that's just how you are (I'm that way too: I get it!). Here are some ways, but again, you do NOT have to at all. I will be okay. I will get through this.

Here's an Amazon Registry of stuff that will help me with recovery. EDITED TO ADD: Holy crap, you all fulfilled this stuff immediately! Tears of appreciation have been shed. I've had people ask what else I need, so I added a few things. We will be okay, but I added a few small gifts for the boys and for David and just things that might bring smiles while I'm down and unable to have tea parties with the boys. Venmo is @BrigidKaelin and paypal email that goes to me & my husband is davidandbrigid@gmail . Or maybe you live nearby and you see something on this list that you have and you wanna drop it off and then I'll take it off the registry because some of this stuff I'll only need for a month or so! But cozy button-up shirts or cardigans with pockets are especially welcome.
Some friends are doing a MealTrain, but I don't have details yet. I will share when I learn more. I do know that the first 2 weeks are filled with David's amazing work friends who live out of state, but who are sending meals to us and supporting local restaurants.
I've not set up a GoFundMe because I just can't stomach doing that. My Venmo/Paypal/CashApp are all @BrigidKaelin and all those links are here https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin. Not at all necessary, but I understand feeling helpless and not knowing how else to help. It'll buy Graham some chips and queso or pay for 0.0005% of my medical bills (insert laughing crying emoji face). I love you all.

Nature walks: Pokemon Go & Plant Identifying!

If you'd have asked me ten years ago if I'd be a homeschooling parent, I would have laughed your ears off. It was a difficult choice for my family, and oddly it had a lot less to do with pandemic than you think, though COVID's timing made it a much easier decision. Schools weren't working for my 7-year-old, and he's been begging to homeschool officially for 18 months now.

So far, so good, but I think that's because the biggest thing I've committed to this year is allowing ourselves grace.

I have hated the public discussion around school because it seems that everyone's defense mechanism is attacking someone else's decision. Everyone feels persecuted, and everyone feels the most persecuted.

I've had multiple people try to convince me to stick with NTI and trust in it, rather than homeschool. Those conversations make me want to shut down and hide in a croft house in the Orkneys for the next 15 years. Other people have told me my kids will be weirdos or that I'm making a bad choice for them. Others have told me I'm making a selfish choice rather than sticking with the community (this, I believe, and it guts me because I firmly believe in community before self, making me question everything about our family's choice).

Basically, every parent is feeling pre-emptively judged.

We have been used to internet shaming since our pregnancy announcements: for breastfeeding too long, for not breastfeeding at all, for having a home birth, for having a Cesarian, for putting photos of our children online, for not posting any photos, for being a stay-at-home-parent, for going back to work too quickly, for being in a "must be nice" position (oh, that one grates at me the most!).

Nothing we do is right, and I know this post is already inflammatory.

I'm trying not to care.

I want to sit here and list every reason we are homeschool: to prove to you, my friends, that I have thought and researched and talked to school psychologists and principals and that I assure you, the decision to homeschool was not made lightly.

I know better. I do not need to justify my choices to anyone.

(But since my closest friends read this, I want you to remember what you know about me: do I do anything without first researching way more than I should? If you don't know me well, then FYI, the answer is: No, I don't.)

2020 was supposed to be the year where I stopped justifying things in my writing. Ha! I'm trying. It's beyond hard for me because my income has always depended on public opinion -- a tricky spot to navigate. I'm trying not to care: this is about my kids.

Anyway, we are LOVING our choice to homeschool. I hope you are LOVING whatever choice you have made, as I'm quite sure you spent long hours discussing and thinking and stressing over it.

I've had several awful years of stress and grief, and since I can't be on tour, it is very nice to explore things with my children. I'm lucky they can read and do independent study. I'm lucky they are delightful and fun to go exploring with. I'm lucky they are eager learners who guide lessons as much as follow them. I am ready to buy an RV and travel the country with them. Or maybe buy that hotel in the Orkneys and move there with them.

This week so far, we've listened fo Beethoven, looked at Impressionist paintings, drawn dragons, built LEGO villages, done laundry, cooked meals, made schedules, explored maps, learned new songs on the piano, coded on the computer (Graham is loving Let's Start Coding!), used Kahn Academy to figure out what grade levels my kids should be mathing, learned algebra while floating in an inflatable pool, done chemistry with pool chlorine, produced videos, and so much more.

I've been working at night (Yes, I still work. Yes, I'm lucky the hours are flexible.). I recorded vocals for someone who lives in Los Angeles. I recorded a song for a TV show for someone who lives in Texas. I performed at a benefit Zoom concert. I made a 6-part splitscreen video of me singing "Cathedrals," which you can see here.

I've been writing. Thank you to those of you who have joined Patreon. It is EVERYTHING to me. I can't wait to let y'all be the first to read my memoir, and to share my art with you. If you want to do anything to support me and my art, please, sign up for Patreon.

I've been writing. A lot. Well, not as much as I should [she says with deprecation], but enough to make me think I might actually finish this memoir by October. It's been quite a journey, and I've learned a lot. I've changed ... in a narrative arc kind of way ... so I thought I'd share my story with the world, or at least with a handful of beautiful people who like to read my words. Thanks for being one of those people!

I'm also weaning off some meds and trying to switch to some tinctures and stuff, and it's making funny things happen to my focus. (Ha ha, what focus?)

Things that are currently distracting me from work are: the state of my house.

The house is a perpetual character in my life, and its troubles informed both my childhood and my 40s.

Today, I just want space.

Quiet space.

A space that I can cozy up to and write without seeing dustbunnies or boxes or piles of paperwork or backlogs of items I should be doing instead of writing.

At this moment I'm typing outside, in an adirondack chair that needs a good pressure wash and sealing wax ("and other fancy stuff" - who gets this reference??!). It's okay for a cool summer day, but this winter will be fierce. Will I be editing the memoir from my bed?

Or will I have something like this:

I'm also desperate for a shaded outdoor nook, under which I could write, be it an adorable pergola or giant umbrella or a vintage awning or i'm pretty close to hauling my dad's old station wagon in the backyard and using it as a she-shed.

Show me photos of your writing nooks?? Or your craft-nooks? Your favorite reading chair? Anything!

Currently all I see are home projects, and I wish I'd just knocked my mom's house down completely rather than trying to move in and save it from itself.

Ok ... off to write. Just 1000 words today. I'm going to be kind to myself! You should too.

Employed? Consider joining my Patreon. It would mean the world to me. Don't let the arts die. If you've been meaning to join, just do it! Now you can pledge in your own country's currency. Also, I just posted a preview of me singing on the new Dawn Landes single, and that would not have been possible without Patreon members.

Ahhhh, a photo shoot by Joe Mays,
back when we artists could WORK!
Ugh, shoulder surgery, y'all!!! This thing is a beast. My poor husband has taken to learning soft tissue work because I'm afraid to go to PT because I don't want to be inside. While I trust the doctors and therapists, I don't trust their other clients. I prefer completely lockdown to this grey area where we judge each other unintentionally. I don't want to judge, and so I shall stay inside and try to create rather than hide.

Is anyone working on big projects?

I'm writing a lot, thanks to my Patreon community, most of whom will receive a copy of my book whenever I finish it. I'm hoping to share stories and figure out what to do with The Book at some point. I'd also love to tour it as a musical/one-woman-show, but when will I ever be able to travel again????
I'm trying to figure out how I can properly release a new song and video without the six month publicity lead-up that the music business supposedly requires.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with my kids because I can't send them to school. We were already 90% leaning toward homeschooling him because he was so bored and the JCPS attendance policy was cramping his film career, but now I feel like an entitled ass if I homeschool him.
In trying to reconnect with friends, I'm spending too much time on Facebook and Twitter, and it's not doing my mental health any favors. It's hard, however, to remain relevant in any meaningful way as an artist if you AREN'T on social media being funny or charming.

Do y'all ever think about what your life would have been like had you not made that one decision that altered your trajectory?
I'm more than happy with my amazing family. I do sometimes wonder what life would be like if I were a retired partner from McKinsey right now, probably hiding out on a private island that only rich people know about sipping piña coladas and sleeping on clean sheets every night. But you know what, it's pretty awesome to have a hot husband in Louisville who massages my aching shoulders every night.

Oh! Fun news: check out Graham's iMDb page and understand why we are leaning more and more toward homeschooling.

Join PATREON! It's a way to keep art alive and remind artists that you actually appreciate music, writing, art, etc. PLEASE.

Quick links to various updates/sites: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin

Today is just an update, however.

Just some quick updates:

Answers to all your questions & responses to your comments:

For now, know that it was not visible on mammogram, nor ultrasound. It was not palpable. I knew it was there though because I know my body really, really well.

ALSO: CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS NONSENSE IS REALITY?!?!?!?!

We'll be okay, but I really don't know the answer to the question: How can I help? First of all, please know that you don't have to help. I'm here to write about the experience and share it and you don't owe me a thing for those words. I'm not putting up a paywall behind cancer information.

I know better. I do not need to justify my choices to anyone.

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