The Red Accordion Diaries

Kentucky musician who travels, eats, parents, writes, fights cancer, etc.

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Just updating for people following along, and for future breast-cancer patients who wonder how this whole process goes. 

I'm doing okay. I'm still lop-sided. For y'all just catching up, I had a bilateral mastectomy in October. At that time they placed tissue expanders on my chest -- basically spacers for future implants. The tissue expanders are filled with a saline solution bit by bit to stretch the skin over a few months before having the final phase of reconstruction. Unfortunately there is a shockingly high rate of infection (10-15%), and I was one of those unfortunates. 

This means that I currently have a left breast that is a rounded tissue expander, just awaiting to be swapped out for an implant. But my right "breast" has been removed completely, including the tissue expander, and I was sewed up flat -- concave even. 


A Mastectomy during a Pandemic

I am writing this because I didn’t find helpful resources out there about what to expect when getting a mastectomy during a pandemic. There are a lot of great blogs about how friends can help you, what your partner can do during surgery, etc, but none that explain cancer surgery during COVID-19.


I had my mastectomy during the beginning of the third surge of coronavirus -- in October 2020. Things were not as locked-down as I would have liked, particularly when it came to other patients. Please, people, if you are going to a doctor’s appointment, you have GOT to be considerate of other people. 


Someone in that waiting room is immuno-compromised. Someone in that waiting room has recently gotten a cancer diagnosis. Someone in that waiting room is terrified for their life. The least you can do is wear a mask properly, not bring your whole family to your appointment, and not sit down right next to a stranger.

Today's Guest Blog (Part 1 of 2) is by actor-writer-reader-musician-cinephile Gregory Maupin. If you have ever seen Kentucky's Shakespeare in the Park, then you have seen Greg and his equally talented partner, Abigail Bailey Maupin, perform. As a duo, they are known as RANNYGAZOO and are just an astounding package of wit and wonder. I love to see what they are into and upto. (I am also a supporter of their Patreon page: you could be too! Click here to see what magic they've offered.)


Quick update on me: Today is my first-ever colonoscopy prep! I'm oddly excited about it: alone time is precious. The kids are getting whatever screen time they want, and I am going to hang out in the bathtub with a book or laptop and hope I can write a book or a song or maybe just a few blogs... 

GIFT GUIDE: what to buy Breast Cancer patients. 

This year was bad enough, but now your friend (or you!) is battling cancer too?! It's just dumb at this point. When you are in the midst of cancer treatment, there's not a lot that can make you feel better. But there are things that can make your days more comfortable, and that's what I'm here to suggest.

I'm feeling okay. I want to get back to creating. Writing and producing books and music. My brain is still fogged from anesthesia -- I've had three surgeries since summer -- which makes it difficult to focus longer than thirty seconds at a time. I do that thing where I re-read the same paragraph five times in a row before giving up or slowly trucking through.

I was 50,000 words into writing a memoir about the Sandwich Generation when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I haven't even looked at that memoir because I'm unclear whether I need to trash it all or simply add a third act. 

Grief is still a cloud that follows me around. We moved into my parents' home very slowly, so things like their refrigerator magnets and photographs are decorating our space. Most of the time it's fine, but yesterday I broke down while opening the fridge: a photo of my parents with Motorcycle Joe just did me in. 

It's a photo of them the way I will remember them. The mind chooses an age, and it's not always the age they die. This is my parents, grinning and glowing. Mom is between cancers, but her hair is the glorious crown of ringlets I always knew her with. Dad's bright blue eyes are laughing. Both of my parents are just oozing joy and pride. I saw it and smiled, and then I sobbed because my children didn't get a chance to know their grandparents. 

Grief. It's that ball in the box metaphor, and damn if it didn't just hit the grief button hard. 

Anyway. Basic stuff: how am I?

I'm trying to heal. I'm on my fourth round of antibiotics, and fighting this dumb infection. I've had complications from the past two surgeries, and I'm really frustrating with my plastic surgeon, who seems to not give a crap about me. I am looking to switch surgeons, but I can't even get a second opinion consult with anyone until December 23. It's hard to be rosy-eyed when even your cancer doctors don't care about you. 

The meal train was amazing, and thank you all so much for the gift cards. They've allowed us to order meals, since I'm still unable to cook or do the washing-up. David has been working 12-14 hour days and also doing all the dishes and trying to finish the kitchen renovation that was put on hold because we did demolition in March. I'm hoping to have a kitchen countertop by Valentine's Day, but don't want to put any pressure on poor David. 

I'm excited to have a pantry though. Here's David's handiwork. I'm not even able to paint, so David did it all himself. It used to have an oven and a pile of trash and boots and snacks. Here it is empty and then with a coat of paint and new vinyl floor:




This feels like it'll bring some sense of order to our chaotic life.

***
I'm grateful to you. I'm grateful for my Patreon community: the people who toss a dollar a month (or five!) to me, which allows me to hire others, to donate money to others, to support my family and my art. I'm grateful beyond measure for the GoFundMe that Jeska started that allowed me to pay my medical bills in a year that I lost my job and got cancer. Thank you for giving me the peace of mind. Losing my job was hard enough, but getting cancer on top of that was ridiculous. Thank you, my beautiful friends. 

LINKS:
How to Join my Patreon community (become a patron of ART!). 
Tip Jars & other articles of interest.


How am I? I'm okay. I'm 2.5 weeks post-emergency-surgery. It was rushed and a not-beautiful job of being sewn up flat, with extra skin squishing around the stitches here and there. It's evening out a bit, but it's not the pretty flat-job that the GoFlat Movement Instagrammers receive. 

I am slowly getting my energy back, but most movements are still completely overwhelming. Fun fact: I've been to at least a dozen appointments since my mastectomy and not a single one has suggested physical therapy. 

I'm grateful to have such a huge community of friends because one of them happens to run a Mastectomy PT clinic. Eventually I'll go see her, but right now I'm not interested in risking the COVID numbers. 

Mostly, I continue to be enraged by America'a healthcare system and am upset that someone with fewer resources would have an even WORSE experience. 

I shouldn't be surprised. It was awful for my mother. It was awful for my father. It's been awful for me. The only time I've been pleased was when I lived in a country with universal health care. Either it was just that they attitude is totally different and people actually care about their neighbors, or it simply behoved the medical staff to take care of their patients (because it was cheaper). 

Whatever the reason, preventive care, follow ups, home health visits and mental health checks were prevalent when I lived in Scotland. In America it's the Wild West, and you'd better have written a dissertation on How To Be a Patient with the Knowledge of a Doctor if you want to know exactly how to get what you need.

I wonder about switching plastic surgeons, but I'm also not sure that would solve the problem. Technically, I like the doctor, but he only spends about 90 seconds with me each visit and always seems to be backing out the door the second he sets foot in. I can appreciate that during COVID-times, but I also think if he'd spent more time with me he would have noticed the infection the week before when I first asked if something was wrong with it. Instead I got a, "No, it looks fine," and out the door. I'm not sure if anyone else would be better though, particularly in during a pandemic.

The gatekeepers are really difficult to get through too. This surgeon is at University/Brown Cancer, and while they have the best researchers/scientists/doctors, their administrative staff is ... difficult. My dad had a nightmare of a time getting appointments there (and when he did, the appointments were literally hours behind schedule). I've had the same issue. Long waits for short visits and dismissive tones, followed by absurd medical bills. (My dad just got a bill for a biopsy performed almost two years ago! He died in June 2019. FACE PALM.)

I was supposed to get my stitches out this morning, but it appears that the staff never made the follow-up appointment for me. (Any nurses reading this want to make a house call?!)

Anyway: that's how I'm doing.

-I have one fake breast that's about a B-cup.
-I have one flat no-breast that is kinda concave and loaded with scar tissue.
-I am so so so happy that the only medicinal treatment I need is ten years on Tamoxifen. 
-I am still exhausted most of the time, but see a glimmer of hope in eventually being able to walk up the stairs without my pulse racing.

And how is the family doing?

-My boys (4&8) are stressed and anxiety-ridden. I wish they had my parents in their lives to distract, send gifts, run to the zoo, anything.
-They are doing well in "school," which mostly just involves lots of conversation and googling and coloring with me in bed. They are doing Prodigy for math, which they love ... it also tells me that my 4-year-old is almost finished with 1st grade math and that my 8-year-old is in middle school. 
-I'm beyond grateful that they are so clever. It reinforces the idea that they are not missing anything in school, aside from social interaction. Which no one is getting this year, so all kids will be equally messed-up from that I suppose.
-David is working his ass off between 12-hour-days on calls solving innovative strategy stuff or whatever it is he does and the rest of his waking hours spent doing my dishes and laundry and fixing up the kitchen renovation that we were in the middle of when pandemic struck. One of these days we're going to actually have a kitchen counter, and I'll actually be able to chop a vegetable! #AGirlCanDream

What to look forward to from me... because I don't know how else to pay it forward right now than to write, share stories, provide something useful.

- Gift Guide for people undergoing surgeries/mastectomies!
- Questions to ask when you've been diagnosed with Breast Cancer
- How to navigate the healthcare system (once i figure this out ha ha!)

Ways to Support Me:
Tip Jars & more at https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin
Patreon Commnity: https://www.patreon.com/brigidkaelin
Sharing and Liking/Following and subscribing is free and helpful.

Breast Cancer Journey captain's log five million:

I don't love the term "cancer journey," mostly because it feels very instagrammy and flippant. Therapists must have coined the term in hopes of reframing things for the victims. It's a journey. It's not something happening to you. It's part of your life. Instead of victims, we transform into travelers, having stranger adventures than a healthy/normal human. 

I don't like the idea of re-framing. Therapy is helpful, but it feels like it's just tricking your brain into being okay with things. I don't want to be okay with things. I want to revolt, take to the streets, cut out cancer with a guillotine. I suppose that's not healthy? And it's healthier to trick your brain into thinking you're on some sort of adventure? I really don't find that useful, but I'll keep using the hashtag #cancerjourney because I don't know what else to call it.

Sometimes I think I'm too literal, a problem that comes with the spectrum I live on.

Anyway: how am I?

I'm okay. I'm one of a handful of women on the planet who currently has one completely sewn-flat "breast" and one fake breast. I hate it. My sensory-overload is on high alert right now and everything about my body feels foreign. It is messing with my brain and I don't like it. 

I'm really tired of being "an interesting case." My mom was also an "interesting case." So was my dad. It's not where you want to be when you are talking cancer.

Turning to gratitude ... The meal deliveries have been amazing. Beyond amazing. I thank all of you who have sent dollars to help us buy delivery or who have sent meals. The mental load of "what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack" is more than any of us can handle right now. Your kindness has kept me in bed, where I am supposed to be.

Bedrest doesn't suit me. I don't understand how I can be trying to get my strength back when I am forced to sit all day long. 

I'm fed up with the healthcare system in America, where doctors cannot spend more than 90 seconds with you. I'm convinced that's why I had such dramatic surgery last week. If the doctors (who have seen me at least twice a week since my original mastectomy) had spend more time with me, they would have noticed the raging infection before it had spread so viciously. 

But then, of course, they wouldn't get to charge $100k+ for emergency surgery. And another enormous bill for the 2+ further surgeries I will need...

Anger at the system doesn't help fix my problems, but talking about it is important. I don't want to reframe this. I want to point out the problem and hope that we can make change. I don't want other people to deal with the same bullshit I've had to deal with.

Reframing. It's such a trick. It hides reality, which means we can't make actual change.

Reframing supports the status quo. I don't like the status quo in America.

Our healthcare system is designed to kill us, unless we're incredibly wealthy or lucky, and that is not right. That is not human. That is not kind, nor caring for thy neighbor, nor civil. 

We must do better.

Gratitude. Reframing. Tricking your brain. I remain grateful. I don't see that gratitude is anathema to realism. We can be angry and grateful at the same time. But if all we are is gracious, we will never be motivated to change the systems that are trying to kill us. 

I'm desperate to create. Creation from bed-rest is hard.  All the surgeries have rendered my arms/hands not nearly as dextrous as they were a few months ago. I worry I'll never be able to play piano like I know I can. I cannot write anything with either hand for more than thirty seconds before it's illegible. It's upsetting. 

I've finally weaned off the neurological medications doctors put me on when I kept telling them something was wrong and they just assumed I was anxiety-ridden and depressed. I was not. My head is clearer now, and I feel better for it. I'm far too aware that my time is limited, and I have so much more to create. 

Here's a quick Christmas tune I did last week when I had five minutes of energy.


I'm feeling more and more bursts of energy, so look out world. My novel is coming. My memoir is coming. My Christmas album is coming. My ... well, how's this for reframing: Forced bedrest means time to write all these things. Write, write, write. Once my hands are able to work properly again, I'll put blogs like these back in my journal where they belong. And I'll go back to posting funny anecdotes and budget travel itineraries.

I'm also staying away from Facebook, so consider joining me on Patreon. I love that community, and it's where I am free to post my creations, drafts, wild hairs and more.
Consider joining at the lowest tiers (you can always choose your own tiers) and supporting five creators. You'll feel great about yourself. It doesn't have to be me; there are loads of amazing people on Patreon.
www.patreon.com/brigidkaelin is my site
Other cool links that you may be interested in.

Thank you all for being amazing.


So much for being a Bad-Christmas-Movie Blogger. Anesthesia steals my focus, and I just don't have the energy to watch The Princess Switch: Switched Again! 

To catch up, here's what I did watch, before I stopped the pain pills and couldn't focus anymore.

  • The Princess Switch: 

    This was my first attempt at watching a bad movie with my kids. Angus doesn't really care for movies, so about halfway through he jumped ship to go read or color or slice imaginary fruit something. I don't know what he was doing because I was too involved in a Prince/Pauper/Parent-Trap kind of story. I LOVE this plotline. The script was really cheesy. There was a Baking Contest. There were two love stories. There was a cheeky kid, and there was a tiara. Solid. 

    I do think that skipping right to the wedding at the end means a huge missed opportunity for another whole film. (The film when the wedding is planned, but something threatens to stop the ceremony!)

    Graham (8) really loved it, and that was super fun. It's different from watching it with David though because I don't want to make fun of something that Graham genuinely likes. 


  • A Princess for Christmas



    FIRST THINGS FIRST: This movie stars Sam Heughan.** I did not know this until his character appeared, and I let out a shriek that made David come rushing to make sure I was okay. 
    Honestly, I don't remember much about the movie because Sam's twinkly eyes and Scottish accent are very distracting. 

    ** Sam Heughan has a fabulous new book out called Clanlands. It's a memoir about traveling all around Scotland and sampling whisky and touring battlefields and having grand adventures. I highly recommend it as a COVID escape read. Or a Christmas gift for a friend who loves Outlander or Scotland or just a light read. Buy it here.


  • A Christmas Inheritance

    I wanted to like/hate this one more. I think it was maybe trying to be actually good, ergo it didn't land. I think if you're gonna make a Christmas romance, you need to go big. Traveling to a small town and falling in love with just a regular guy is not the sweeping love story we need in COVID2020. At least make the "regular guy," like, turn out to be an heir to a small Dukedom. 
Okay, now for updates with me #cancercrap:

My emergency surgery was a week ago exactly. I'm home. I'm okay. I think they got all the infection? I'm still on antibiotics. They really butchered my right breast, which is not just gone, but concave and sewed up like a 4-year-old was trying to cross-stitch a jack-o-lantern on my chest. I have no idea what will happen next (though i'll have to heal completely before re-starting the dumb reconstruction process) because:

Not a single person from the hospital or surgeon's office has called to check in on me.

Yes, I'm aware that it's COVID and health workers are really overworked and stressed at the moment. This is also plastic surgery, which is rarely emergent, and I would think someone would call to check on me? 

I borrowed a blood pressure cuff from my neighbor, and tracked dangerously low blood pressure the two days after surgery. HUGE thanks to a cardiologist friend of mine for talking to me on a Friday night about when to go to the ER. She helped me avoid the ER by suggesting i eat saltines and drink gatorade until my BP got a little higher. I'm angry that someone less in tune with her body or someone who didn't have a BP cuff could have just died in their sleep because they were sent home from the hospital too soon. I'm so grateful for my neighbor with the blood pressure cuff and oximeter and for my cardiologist friend who saved my life. 

I was super dehydrated since my surgery was so late in the afternoon. I hadn't eaten anything in 24 hours, nor had water, and that likely contributed to my blood pressure. I could have used some IV fluids, but we don't keep IVs around the house.

Anyway: I'm pretty angry about the infection. No one had noticed it before, even though I saw 2 doctors a week for a month. I'd even said that I thought it was a little warm to the touch, and they, who spent maybe 90 seconds at most with me, said it was fine. Then, next thing I know, they are aspirating a huge abscess. I'll post a photo eventually, but for now I won't even let my husband see it. It's pretty horrific looking -- way worse than the original mastectomy. 

Cancer updates are here. Other stuff and ways to support are here.

***
Sometimes I post Amazon Affiliate links in this blog to things I love because it's nice to get a few pennies every so often. 


Quick cancer update: I’m back in bed. They had to completely take out my right tissue expander, cut off infected skin and sew me up flat. Three days ago I felt fine and was only 3 weeks out from getting my implants and being completely finished with treatment (other than many years on tamoxifen). Now I have to:

1) heal from this surgery for 12 weeks  

2) have another surgery to put in tissue expander in (so maybe February?)

3) wait another 8-10 weeks 

4) swap out the tissue expanders for implants

YES. I know it could be worse. I do. But allow me my feelings for now, okay? It sucks. I want my mom. I want my dad. I’m so tired of being in bed and not being able to go on leaf collection walks with my kids.

Instead: let’s talk Christmas movies.

I call them all “Hallmark movies,” but I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a Hallmark one. Don’t those always revolve around angels and churchy things? I don’t know how one sees a Hallmark movie without the Hallmark channel, which we don’t have. BUT I do have Netflix, and there are plenty of movies whose thumbnails are women in red dresses hugging a man in a green sweater. That’s the same genre, right?

I’ll be watching many of these films while on bed rest, since I’m not able to focus enough to read or write. Join me in my Terrible Christmas Movie Club?

Last night’s fine, fine film:

A Christmas Prince. Or is it THE Christmas Prince? Hard to say. Not important. What IS important is that this film is set both in New York City during snowfall and also in a made-up-Kingdom ending in the suffix “via.” This is fairly common in genres I like. Aldovia, Genovia, Belgravia, etc. If you’re working on your screenplay, consider Brigidovia. Or Kaelinovia. No, nevermind, those are terrible. Instead consider taking a disease, chopping off the last half and swapping it for ‘-ovia’ or ‘-avia.’ As in Bubovia, Scurvia, Consumptovia, Syphilavia, you’re welcome for the setting of your next unexpected princess tale.

I watched A Christmas Prince in 2017 (and the sequels ...), but started fresh last night to watch terrible movies with my husband. David is new to this genre. He is shockingly good at anticipating the plot lines, but that’s probably because he’s a legit genius, according to his GMAT scores. I mean who saw that adoption plot line coming?? Not only David, but also he knew the acorn was the secret to the throne.  

This movie is perfect for not thinking or caring about anything at all and instead getting swept away into a dumb world of snow and blogging. Warning: you MUST suspend your disbelief. It’s like taking a ghost tour of an ancient city; it’s only fun if you actively decide to believe in ghosts. Shut out your hating, click on the electric fireplace, and settle in with a weighted blanket. Winter is coming.

Checklist of imagery that makes this movie solid:

- mighty horses trotting through snowy Romanian mountains

- a saucy child character

- a woman with a decidedly low-paying job whose company decides to fly her to Europe

- a makeover

- a dead mom

- a dead dad

- lies that threaten to ruin the main romantic plot

- a proposal that comes way before it should

(I need to make bingo cards, don’t I!?)

What should I watch next?

*****************************

All kinds of links, from cancer updates to tip jars, are here. Support artists if you can.

Selfie from when I was
trying to sit with the
present and be mindful.

I had written a whole update for you with good news, but after a doctor appointment this morning, it turns out I have good news *and* bad news. The good news outweighs the bad news, but it’s still bumming me out. I was trying so hard to celebrate my “win” yesterday when doctors told me the GOOD news: I don’t need chemo!

I saw an APRN in oncology yesterday (my oncologist was overbooked), who told me that the Oncotype Dx score was 0. Zero. 


A score under 15 typically means that the chemo risks outweigh the benefits. It’s a combination of my age (42) and my tumor size and its genetic makeup. But all that is important here is that, because I had the mastectomy, I don’t need radiation. And because they got clear margins during surgery and the oncotype score was low, chemo would not be beneficial. I’m trying to celebrate that win, but I’m frustrated because: I found out an hour ago that I have to have emergency surgery this afternoon.


I’ve had a hardened outlook, where my instincts see, “Okay, this is good, but what else is going on?” Friends have advised me to celebrate the wins and not think about the future. So I tried to do that, even though I had a nagging feeling. Grrrr. 


I went to the reconstruction surgeon this morning, who has now put me on the schedule for the OR for TODAY to try to clean up an infection. Yes, yes, I know, I know, those of you who told me not to get reconstruction: I see you shaking your heads now and mumbling, “I told you so.” But the past is past, and I’m doing what I can to survive and feel good about myself.

I’m so grateful for you all. Your donations and kind words have kept me going. They have also given me the peace of mind that I’m able to feed my family, or order a craft kit for the boys so they aren’t just tied to screens on days I’m feeling awful -- and still be able to pay my medical bills. 


I’m angry that I have to go back in the OR again, in just a couple of hours. Anesthesia does not sit well with me. I’m angry that this sets me back at least six weeks in the recovery progress. I don’t want to take pain meds, and I don’t want to be bedridden. I was *just* starting to feel better and our amazing meal train ended. Today was supposed to be my first day meal planning and cooking again. Instead I’m going to the hospital and I just want my mom.

Grrrrr. Here is you getting all my emotion today because I was all set to write purely a happy update! This is my problem with focusing on good news. I know the science, and the philosophy of worry, but it also just makes it all worse when you don’t prepare yourself for bad news. Anyway, it’s not the worst news. I’d rather the reconstruction go wrong than the cancer. Blog: 15 things you need when recovering from a mastectomy


***** Ways to support me and my family:

Venmo: @BrigidKaelin (It feels gauche to post this, but during a pandemic, there aren't many other ways to help. So helping with groceries or takeout or hire a babysitter who hasn't been anywhere is helpful. Thank you times a thousand to all who have helped out so much already!)

Paypal: brigidkaelin at gmail dot com Other links/updates: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin


Social media is a beast on your mental health. No judgment though. I mean, you probably got to this post by being on social media. (If you're one of the ones who subscribes by email: you are brilliant. I need to take that approach to blogs I like instead of reloading social pages hoping for new content.)

I did okay with being offline this week, and I'm happier for it. I deleted everything but Instagram and Pinterest from my phone. I like those sites because I only follow 1) my real-life friends and 2) anyone who posts glorious photos of Scotland. Scrolling there makes me feel good. I'm trying to hang on to that emotion.

Election week. YIKES. I tried to stay away from it, but my 8-year-old is obsessed. It's nerve-wracking, but I don't want to discourage his interest in democracy. 

Do you remember where you were in November/December of 2000, while the country awaited the results of the Al Gore/George W. Bush campaign? I was two places. My mom had a mastectomy on that Election Day. My grandfather died that day. Things seem to come all at once for me, don't they?

My dad and I consoled ourselves in the hospital room by eating slices of American cheese, which we bit into the shapes of the states as they were called for candidates. We bit so many versions of Florida, we got quite good at them. 

I eventually had to fly back to New York, where I was an Associate Producer at CBS News. That fall I'd been working on a History Channel show called 20th Century with Mike Wallace, episode "Sex and Consequences," which documented the 20th century from the invention of birth control to the AIDS epidemic. We interviewed Dr. Anthony Fauci for that episode. Mike Wallace nailed every line without a mistake -- totally brilliant. Here I go namedropping again ... I'll save it for the book..

ANYWAY: while I was producing that episode, I was also working overtime on the 2000 election. Several of us in News Productions, including Mr. Elliot Kirschner (who has an AMAZING book out now co-written with Dan Rather: BUY IT HERE!), were working with the election coverage that now stretched out over a month longer than expected. For some reason we found it important to know all the state's nicknames and in what order they joined the union. We spent our lunch breaks eating NYC pizza and quizzing each other on The Gem State/43rd State. Ever wonder how the on-air talent can say, "Here we are in The Sunshine State..." without hesitation? The answer is: producers, who give them pertinent information before they go live. 

Where were you during that bizarre time of uncertainty in 2000? And what are you doing twenty years later? The same thing? In a different place? 

The glow of a woman who just
voted for Hillary Clinton.
Remember how that felt?  
I'm not in NYC anymore. I'm not in news anymore, but I am still writing. I'm convalescing at home from my own mastectomy. Both my parents are dead. I have two incredible children and a perfect husband. I'm scared of a lot of things, but I have no option but to be brave. My favorite thing about working in television/film was telling stories.

I'm still doing that. I hope the story I get to tell to my grandchildren about the Election of 2020 has a happy ending, all round. That I'm alive to tell my grandchildren, and that it ended with the person who cares about other people winning. It's looking good, but 2016, unfortunately, taught me not to be too optimistic. 

Uncertainty is the enemy of mindfulness. We sit with the present, but the present offers no solutions. We all want to get past this moment. Instead I am trying to embrace the good moments, however tiny they be. I taught my kids how to make coffee this morning, and I sat by the fireplace enjoying every sip. They are giggling. They are arguing. They both have screens. They are fighting plants or zombies or dragons or something -- protecting some imaginary world. I'm cozy in my housecoat, and doing what I love most: writing. 

I am here. Exhaling. Relaxing my shoulders (are you?). 

*****

Brigid Kaelin is a writer, composer, singer, in Kentucky. Here are ways to support her:

Venmo: @BrigidKaelin
Patreon: /BrigidKaelin
PayPal: @BrigidKaelin
Updates on her cancer are here. 

Sometimes I post Amazon links on this blog because I'm part of the Affiliate program, which sends me nickels or sometimes dimes when you buy a product I link to. The 2020 hustle is real!


Had to edit this photo bc someone 
flagged it as pornography even though
75% of my post-mastectomy-breasts
were covered by at white rectangle. GRRR.


Let me begin with the obvious: you don't need any of this.
But just like when you have a baby, you'll find that during mastectomy recovery, while you don't need most of "the stuff," some of that "stuff" actually improves your quality of life.

Jump straight to my Amazon storefront to see these items.

I've compiled a list of things I genuinely enjoyed having during my post-mastectomy weeks (I'm three-weeks out as I'm writing this). There will be a Round Two someday because I was also gifted some pretty amazing things from friends. Check back for the Mastectomy Gift Guide when I have the energy to write again.

I hope this list is helpful. Maybe you click all the links and buy all the stuff. Maybe you just read through and find that having knowledge of what to expect helps you feel a little more in control of your current situation. Most importantly, mastectomies are major surgeries. Allow yourself time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Splurge if you can. Life is short (don't we all know that by now)...

1. Mastectomy Pillow
I wish I'd remembered to bring this to the hospital with me. It would have been nice for the ride home, so my seatbelt wasn't so miserable. This pillow has notches cut out for your arms, which gives support and a great cushion to your chest. You won't be able to hug anyone properly for a while. Having a cushion helps hugs feel better, but also it's nice to just hug the pillow. This particular one has a great pocket in front to hold your phone or a pencil or airpods or whatnot.

$25 on Amazon.


These are Amazon links. I'm part of an affiliate program. Clicking on the links helps me. Thanks!

2. Button-up pajamas.
Buy a few pairs of these, and wear one of them to your surgery, especially if your surgery is outpatient. You will not be able to raise your arms above your head for at least several weeks, so button-up pajamas (and eventually shirts) will be your best friend. Splurge on something soft. You've got cancer (or BRCA+) and it SUCKS and you deserve soft pajamas.
 
     

3. Button-up shirts A close second to the soft pajamas. You might already have these in your closet (or can borrow from a partner or friend). When you finally feel like getting dressed for real, you'll still have limited range of motion in your arms/shoulders. Putting a shirt over your head is a challenge, so button-up shirts are everything.



4. Shirts that hold your drains. I have two of these, and they were great. I just got my drains out, but I still like the shirts. They're really soft and have the perfect pocket for your drains. I could have clipped my drains or used a fanny pack, but these were much more pleasant. Also, the clips that came with my drains lost their clamping ability after a few days. The feeling of a drain falling down and tugging at your skin is painful and scary, and shirts like this prevented that. Also: SO SOFT!


5. A mesh bag for your drains This was SO nice for the shower. One friend told me I wouldn't need them, and I totally respect that everyone recovers differently. My mastectomy was outpatient and I knew that showering would be difficult without help, so I got the bag anyway. And I LOVED it. I hate things around my waist, so having this around my neck was a lot more comfortable in the shower. Also, check out local sewers, as this has become a popular item for people to sew. I had a mesh bag made in Louisville by Necessary Comforts. It was a gift from a Twitter friend.
Mesh bag by Necessary Comforts


6. Throat lozenges General anesthesia is a beast. You'll have a breathing tube during the surgery -- for a few hours. Your voice will be really hoarse, sore, dry, maybe even painful the days following the surgery. Keeping throat lozenges by your bed helps mitigate that.



7. Chapstick  Much like your throat is dry, your lips will be really dry. Treat yourself to some nice chapstick. You deserve it.




8. Wedge pillow

I LOVE this wedge pillow. It's adjustable, so you can gradually get flatter. Sleeping with drains in is tricky, so I also lined my sides with pillows. When you are able to sleep flat again, keep this around. I used it for a rotator cuff surgery earlier this year, and my husband uses it for reflux. My kids use it to relax. I use it to read in bed. It's really helpful, and I see us living with it for years.

 




9. Sleep mask

Sleep is everything to keep your mind and body healthy, but it's especially important when you need to heal. I had a stash of eyemasks from plane trips, but this eyemask changed me. Complete darkness. Soft. Room for your eyes to open but not brush against the inside of the mask. Luxury.




10. Earplugs I typically despise when companies market things "for women," like when you see a pink drill "for women" or a pink pen "for women" -- like, only the color is different, that's dumb. But these: they are pink, which makes them easier to find when you drop one. Mostly: they fit beautifully in my tiny ears. Also: you need to sleep. A lot. These earplugs + the above sleep mask = pure magic.





11. Resistance bands for at-home Physical Therapy You may go to PT, or during a pandemic you may not feel safe there. Either way these small resistance bands are helpful to stretch your muscles and regain strength and range of motion.






12. Tablet holder - for bed This was SO useful, especially when I was up in the middle of the night for no reason. Your arms will be weak and you will be tired. It's nice to put a pillow on your lap and put your phone or iPad up there.





13. Soft housecoat with POCKETS I have become obsessed with housecoats. And they have pockets!! I had my mastectomy in October, so plush housecoats are my jam. I have two, and I live in them.





14. Witch Hazel wipes
It might be difficult to poop after surgery -- it usually is. Once you do squeeze one out, you'll be glad you have these on hand. You're welcome!





15. Long phone charger You'll be stuck in bed for a long time. You want to make sure your phone can reach the charger while you're lying in bed doomscrolling.





There are a lot of other items that I acquired, either gifts or painkiller-purchases (be careful about this ha ha -- oxycodone makes you LOOOOOOOPY and you might buy a 75" television if you're not careful), but I'll save them for another blog. 

I hope this was helpful! Thanks for reading.
********
UPDATES ON MY CANCER: https://tinyurl.com/brigidupdates
Other ways to support: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin (This has links to EVERYTHING, my website, my cancer updates, my Venmo, my Patreon, and all my social media! I've been a professional musician since I was a teenager. COVID has eliminated career, so I'm doing all I can do stay afloat. I so appreciate all my friends who have jumped in to help my family. We love you so much.)

Quick links to various updates/sites: https://linktr.ee/brigidkaelin


Well, technically it's two weeks and six days, but I need to post something. People are asking, and I so appreciate that. I'm feeling well, but extremely exhausted. I'm grateful that my cancer was Stage 1. I'm also still in limbo awaiting further pathology to see if my treatment is finished or not.

I miss my mom a lot. I miss my dad a lot. I am also glad they aren't alive to see their only child go through cancer treatment. I could not imagine that pain, and I suspect it would be a lot worse than the anguish that I feel on a daily basis. 

I'm working on a few blogs that I hope will be helpful to other people going through breast cancer. One will be along the "what to expect when you have a mastectomy [during a pandemic]" and another will be "what you need when you are recovering from a mastectomy." 

Today is just an update, however.


I am overwhelmed with love. While wrestling with guilt about the GoFundMe, so many of you have reminded me how much I have given to the community, whether it be from playing a zillion benefit concerts, underpaid gigs, or this FREE blog I have written for fifteen years, one-on-one coaching I've provided to countless artists, and more. I've also paused billing on my Patreon, so if you're a member over there, you get at least one free month (I may pause December too).

Others (both friends AND therapists!) have reminded me that none of that stuff matters; that even if I hadn't been giving, it doesn't mean I don't deserve to be showered in love and community. Someone always has it worse, but that doesn't mean I'm not deserving.*  

The GoFundMe has been amazing, especially in a year when I lost my job. We've been using the funds to pay medical bills (which will total at least $28,200 for 2020 --  yes, it should be criminal, but that's another blog), to purchase some things that have made my recovery much easier, and to order meals for the family. I can't stand on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time, and David works 12-14 hour days. These funds and friends' meal deliveries have been a huge help and we appreciate them SO much. 

Updates/new FAQs (previous FAQs answered on my previous blog):
  • I did get reconstructive surgery (No judging, please. I know several of you suggested that I don't go that route. But I did. I'm a rebel!)

  • I got my drains out on Monday. That felt SUPER weird. (more about that on my instagram)

  • I'm having phantom LETDOWNS. How crazy is that??? (A letdown is a weird, tingly feeling you get right before your milk starts to come out of your nipples when you're pumping or breastfeeding. I haven't had that feeling in years, and now I don't even have any milk ducts or nipples. But the brain is weird.)

  • I do not know what comes next. There are several possibilities, but they all depend on the recurrence score that is dictated by the Oncotype Dx. In other words, I'm waiting on more pathology. Cancer: it's all about the limbo.

  • My gynecologist wants me to get some uterine and ovarian scans STAT, and I'm all about that. Early detection, folks. 

  • I need to go to physical therapy to regain strength and range of motion, but since COVID is rampant and I'm immunocompromised: I'm not going. I'm attempting my own home exercises, but I do not trust the other patients in the PT offices who can't even seem to where a mask properly.

  • I'm supposed to start walking for exercise, and the doctors specifically suggested a treadmill or elliptical rather than outside walks. If anyone in Louisville is getting rid of a treadmill or elliptical for a reasonable price, will you please message me? Thanks.

  • Repeats of previous answers for those curious: I'm negative for *known* mutations (though genetic counselors believe it's on a gene that hasn't been mapped yet). My four tumors were all ER+, PR+ and Her2-. 

  • I'm anxious to get a second opinion from oncologist, but I am nervous that the oncologist I've been assigned will think I don't trust him. I like him a lot, but I have been advised by many of you to always get a second or third opinion to see what treatment options should look like. I haven't made any phone calls yet because I have phone anxiety. 


    SO MUCH LOVE. Do your mammograms, y'all. If you have dense breast tissue and/or are high-risk, push for an MRI. Doctors will tell you about the false positive rate. You can decide for yourself. I prefer false positive to false negatives. That's just me though. WOMEN SHOULD HAVE A CHOICE IN THEIR HEALTH CARE.

*Also I have been giving away 20% of the GoFundme to other, less-widely-known victims of cancer medical bills and various non-profits. This assuages my guilt a little bit and also helps people who are very much in need of help to get cancer treatment, but who don't have the public following that I do. 
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Brigid Kaelin is a Kentucky musician, speaker, and writer. Her new album is streaming everywhere, and she’s publishing her first memoir in 2023.

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